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How to Overcome Self-Doubt I 6 Steps to Find Your Confidence
Here is a list of six steps that can support you in overcoming self-doubt and boost your confidence.
Self-doubt may be standing in your way of personal growth and success. It can be holding you back, and I am no stranger to feeling this way. For me, personal therapy has helped hugely in overcoming my fears and doubts about my abilities. Therefore, I have compiled a list of six steps on how to overcome self-doubt that have helped me find self-confidence (which is still an ongoing process of learning with its highs and lows). I hope that these can support you and act as a starting point in the process of overcoming self-doubt, even if just a little bit.
What is self-doubt?
Self-doubt is defined as a lack of confidence in one’s skills and abilities which can lead to feelings of incompetence, worthlessness, and unlovability, as well as difficulties in making decisions. It can further be intertwined with a fear of failure, judgement from others, fear of making mistakes.
This may interfere with your personal or professional relationships, and create a block in pursuing and achieving academic and professional goals. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
How to overcome self-doubt
In this article we’ll cover how to overcome self-doubt and feel more confident in yourself. We’ll cover topics such as developing self-awareness, challenging your negative thoughts, setting manageable goals, finding positive support and taking action. However, it is important to be mindful that this process isn’t easy, so be kind to yourself when going through these. Let’s look at the six steps below.
Step 1: Recognising and acknowledging your self-doubt
Awareness creates opening. Taking the time to reflect on your thoughts and feelings, and being mindful when self-doubt starts to creep in. Acknowledge, that it’s so common to have these thoughts and feelings and that you are not alone in feeling this way, that self-doubt is part of a human experience. By beginning to recognise these feelings, you can start taking back control, managing your thoughts and feelings in a more positive way.
Step 2: Challenge your negative beliefs
Self-doubt stems from negative beliefs about yourself and your abilities. This may be related to your childhood and the false beliefs that others and perhaps yourself have been telling yourself. However, overcoming self-doubt does not mean removing these negative beliefs but rather recognising their presence. Take a pause and start to question whether these thoughts and beliefs are true or not. It is about finding more appropriate ways to support yourself, focusing on our strengths that you may have been looking past, recognising your achievements and reflecting on your achievements.
Step 3: Set realistic goals and celebrate progress
Having goals that are too big may make you feel overwhelmed and like you’re never going to get there (if that’s even possible). Breaking down your goals into smaller, more manageable tasks is an effective way to address self-doubt. You can begin by writing these down and making a visual schedule for yourself. This will help you recognise your capabilities and the progress you’ve made, boosting your confidence and diminishing your self-doubt. Do what works for you and what makes you feel good. Give yourself credit!
Arula Counselling integrates creative, psychodynamic, mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) approaches with a focus on neurodiversity-affirming and trauma-informed care.
Step 4: Surround yourself with positive influences
Our support network is of huge value on how to overcome self-doubt. To be able to lean onto the people that we trust and feel comfortable with will help you overcome self-doubt and give you strength as you’re moving through these challenges. Engage in conversations with people who believe in your abilities and can provide a strong support system. Furthermore, engaging in activities that make you feel good, whether it’s connecting with your interests, educating yourself on new topics or taking up a new hobby, can all be great ways to boost your confidence and inspire you to reach for your goals.
Step 5: Take action and embrace failure as a learning opportunity
It can be scary to move through your fear. It might be (and probably is) the very last thing you’re interested in doing. However, with appropriate support and encouragement, it is possible. It is about accepting that failure is a natural part of the human experience, and you are not alone in facing it. Acknowledging that stepping through failure helps to build confidence, and act as an opportunity for growth. Mistakes will be a part of that, and that’s okay. Here is an article on resilience.
Step 6: Self-compassion
Most importantly, be kind to yourself through this process of uncovering the thought patterns and ways of being that have been with you for such a long time. Be patient and avoid rushing the process, showing yourself compassion. Allow yourself to experience and acknowledge the emotions that arise, giving them space. This can be either with your loved ones, with people you trust or by finding external support. Finding support is a sign of strength. You deserve to feel good.
How to overcome self-doubt with music therapy?
Music gives a form to our inner feelings that we might be struggling with to express verbally. Bruscia (1989) has indicated that in music therapy, musical experiences are used to restore, maintain and support the wellbeing of the client and to support you in helping to find resources and tools to resolve any difficulties that you may be dealing with and increase your potential for mental wellbeing. Furthermore, Boxill (1985) has expressed that in music therapy, creating musical experiences with the client can help restore, maintain and improve your psychological, mental and physiological health.
Research shows that self-selected relaxation music can significantly reduce anxiety and bring the client into a more relaxed state, lowering the levels of stress and anxiety.
Because music is a means of non-verbal expression, it can create a supportive environment of play where tension is released, reducing stress and giving way to self-expression regardless of one’s skills and abilities.
Music therapy goals are designed to provide emotional support, decrease stress and anxiety, increase self-esteem and self-confidence, and provide a medium for creative self-expression, providing the client with an opportunity for control and independence.
Conclusion
This article has covered six steps on strategies on how to overcome self-doubt and boost confidence. Self-doubt is a common challenge that many people face, but it does not have to define who you are. By following and keeping in mind the steps, it is possible to overcome self-doubt and find peace and confidence in yourself. Throughout your process, remember that it takes courage, commitment and self-compassion to work through your challenges but that there is potential to discover your full potential and achieve success in your life.
If you feel like you’re ready to dive deeper then I look forward to hearing from you.
References
Braslow, M. D. et al. (2012) ‘Self Doubt’ in Social and Personality Psychology Compass 6/6: 470–482, 10.1111/j.1751-9004.2012.0044.
Bruscia, K. E. (1989) ‘Defining Music Therapy’. Philadelphia. PA: Barcelona Publishers.
Cohen, R. L. (1999) ‘The effect of music therapy on the reduction of anxiety for myocardial infarction patients. Unpublished Master’s Thesis, Clarkson College.
Ming, S. WU (2002) ‘Effects of Music Therapy on Anxiety, Depression and Self-Esteem of Undergraduates’. In Psychologia, 45. pp. 104-114.
Hidden Struggles: Exploring the Impact of Autism and Depression in Adult Mental Health
In this blog post, we will explore the unique challenges faced by adults with dual diagnoses of autism and depression and the importance of understanding, support, and music therapy in your journey.
As we delve into the complexities of mental health, it is important that we talk about the hidden struggles that often go unnoticed. Autism and depression are two conditions that can profoundly impact your daily life, especially when experienced together. In this blog post, we will explore the unique challenges faced by adults with dual diagnoses of autism and depression, explore the concept of autistic burnout, and the importance of understanding and support in your journey.
Understanding Autism and Depression
Autism Spectrum Condition (ASC) is a neurodevelopmental condition characterised by difficulties in social interaction, communication, and 'stimming’. Depression, however, is a mood disorder that affects an individual’s overall well-being, causing persistent sadness, loss of interest, and difficulties in managing daily activities. When these conditions coexist, they can create a complex and nuanced mental health landscape.
What is Autistic Burnout?
Depression and autistic burnout are distinct mental health experiences that share common symptoms and challenges. Depression is characterised by sadness and loss of interest, while autistic burnout is specific to those on the spectrum, caused by overwhelming environments and stress. The key difference lies in origins and triggers: depression has varied causes, while autistic burnout is linked to how individuals with autism process information. Recognising these differences is important for effective support and therapy.
The Impact on Mental Health
The impact of autism and depression on mental health cannot be underestimated. Adults with autism often face challenges in social situations, which can lead to feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, and difficulties in relationships. The presence of depression expands these struggles, intensifying feelings of hopelessness and despair. The constant effort to navigate social cues and communication can become overwhelming, contributing to increased vulnerability to mental health issues.
Hidden Struggles and Masking
For adults with autism and depression, the ability to mask your struggles becomes a survival mechanism. You may have developed coping mechanisms to hide your difficulties, masking your true needs, emotions, and internal struggles. This constant masking can be mentally exhausting and takes a toll on an already fragile mental health. It also decreases the likelihood of others recognising your challenges and offering you the necessary support.
The Power of Music Therapy
In the face of these hidden struggles, music therapy emerges as a powerful and effective tool for adults with autism and depression. Music therapy provides a safe and nonjudgmental space where you can express yourself, communicate, and connect with others. Through music, therapists can facilitate emotional expression, reduce anxiety and stress, and support you in developing coping strategies that work for you.
Research has shown that music therapy interventions can improve social interaction skills, enhance self-expression, and boost mood in individuals with autism and depression. Playing instruments, engaging in songwriting, and participating in therapeutic improvisation can foster a sense of empowerment and autonomy. The rhythmic and melodic characteristics of music also stimulate neural networks, enhancing cognitive and emotional processing.
Building a Supportive Community
Creating a supportive community is crucial in addressing the hidden struggles faced by adults with autism and depression. By fostering understanding, empathy, and acceptance, we can break down the barriers that prevent you from seeking help and feeling understood. Educating ourselves about autism and depression, promoting mental health awareness, and creating inclusive spaces are tangible actions that can make a difference.
Conclusion
The intertwining of autism and depression presents unique challenges for adults striving to maintain their mental health. Recognising and addressing these hidden struggles is crucial. Music therapy offers an invaluable avenue for self-expression, emotional release, and personal growth. By embracing the power of music and fostering a support community, we can work together to empower and uplift adults with autism and depression, ensuring you feel seen, heard, and understood in your journey towards mental well-being.
If you’re interested in exploring this further, please contact me here or via the button below. I look forward to hearing from you!
Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes only. If you are suffering from severe trauma, live in an abusive household or are in danger, call 112 or your country's crisis line, where professional mental health workers can offer you appropriate support.
What’s Your Anger Trying to Tell You?
Recognising the cause of anger and its effects starts with learning about yourself and being curious about where these emotions might be coming from.
I was talking to a colleague a couple of days ago, and the topic of anger came up. The chat led us to dive deeper into the subject of this powerful emotion, discussing how that may manifest in our daily lives and what we can do to start managing it better. Let's explore this further.
What is anger?
Anger is a natural and powerful emotion that we all experience from time to time. It is a response to perceived threats, injustices, or frustrations. However, it can sometimes get in the way of expressing ourselves fully and authentically. Understanding and managing it can improve your mental health, relationships and overall quality of life.
Causes of anger
Being curious about the possible causes of your anger is a starting point in learning about yourself. Recognising where these emotions might be coming from. Here are some of the causes of anger that may lie behind it:
Frustration
When we face obstacles or things don't go as planned, it can lead to feelings of anger.
Injustice
Witnessing or experiencing unfair treatment, discrimination, or violations of our rights can trigger anger.
Threats to self-esteem
Criticism, humiliation, or feeling disrespected can provoke anger.
Fear or pain
Anger can be a defence mechanism when we feel threatened or when we're in physical or emotional pain.
Unmet expectations
When our expectations are not met, whether in relationships, work, or daily life, it can result in anger.
Can you think of a recent situation where these feelings have been coming up? Pay close attention to how that feels in your body and whether there might be an underlying cause of your anger. Be kind to yourself throughout this discovery process, as it may be more difficult than expected.
Effects of anger
Anger can appear in many ways in our daily lives, impacting our overall quality of life. Below, I have listed some of the ways in which anger can affect our lives physically and emotionally.
Physiological responses
Anger triggers the body's "fight-or-flight" response, leading to increased heart rate, blood pressure, and adrenaline release.
Emotional impact
Anger can cause irritability, frustration, resentment, or even rage.
Relationship strain
Uncontrolled anger can damage relationships and lead to poor communication, aggression, or withdrawal.
Health consequences
Chronic anger has been linked to increased stress, cardiovascular problems, weakened immune system, and mental health issues.
Managing and expressing anger
How can you start to manage and express your anger differently?
Recognise your triggers
Identify the situations, events, or thoughts that tend to provoke your anger.
Take a break
If you feel anger escalating, step away from the situation to cool down and gain perspective.
Practice relaxation techniques
Deep breathing, meditation, music listening, art making, or engaging in activities you enjoy can help reduce anger.
Communication
Express your anger assertively, using "I" statements to convey your feelings without attacking or blaming others.
Problem-solving
Instead of dwelling on the anger, focus on finding constructive solutions to the underlying issues.
Seek support
Discussing your anger with a trusted friend, family member, or professional can provide perspective and guidance.
How can counselling support anger?
It's important to note that while anger is a normal emotion, uncontrolled or excessive anger can negatively affect your well-being, relationships, and overall quality of life. If you find it challenging to control your anger or negatively impact your life, seeking support from a counsellor can be beneficial.
Counselling can help you recognise your triggers and what might set you off for showing anger. Learning how to manage these can improve your mental health, your relationships and lead to a better quality of life. So, what is it that your anger is trying to tell you?
If you're ready to explore it further, let's connect over a consultation session here, or email me at arulacounselling@proton.me. I look forward to hearing from you.
Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes only. If you are suffering from severe trauma, live in an abusive household or are in danger, call 112 or your country's crisis line, where professional mental health workers can offer you appropriate support.
ADHD in Women
What are the gender differences in ADHD, symptoms of ADHD in women and what can be done to treat ADHD?
Originally, ADHD was thought to only affect children and persist into adulthood in some cases. Recent research shows that children do not “outgrow” their symptoms, but these are carried into adulthood. However, adult ADHD remains an undiagnosed and untreated population, especially in girls and women, which makes it difficult for women with ADHD to find appropriate support. Therefore, more education and awareness are needed for accurate diagnosis and treatment. Below we will discuss gender differences in ADHD, symptoms of ADHD and what can be done to treat ADHD symptoms in women.
ADHD in adults
According to research, 2.5% of the adult population has ADHD. Adult ADHD symptoms interfere with relationships, school and work performance and lead to feelings of low self-esteem, self-confidence and sleep difficulties. From research, about 80% of adult ADHD occurs together with other mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety, substance use and personality disorders.
ADHD and gender differences
In children, ADHD is diagnosed after a referral from caregivers or teachers. Boys are more likely to be referred for treatment since they present primarily with external symptoms such as hyperactivity, which is more noticeable to others. Conversely, females with ADHD are more likely to present with inattentive symptoms and internalise their difficulties. Equally, this leaves more time to develop coping strategies to mask core symptoms associated with ADHD.
Girls meet diagnostic criteria for ADHD at just under half the rates of boys, which becomes closer to equal by adulthood. Due to undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, symptoms of stress, depression and anxiety can rise.
Symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity
extremely impatient
irrational and impulsive acts without thinking of the consequences
difficulties in waiting for their turn or waiting for the other person to finish their sentences
frequently interrupting activities or conversations
Symptoms of inattention
not paying attention to details and making careless mistakes
gets bored easily when doing something that they are not interested in
jumping from one activity to the next without finishing
frequently daydreaming
slow in completing tasks
difficulties in completing tasks on time
doesn’t follow instructions
avoids tasks that require mental concentration, such as puzzles or reading
slow information processing
misplaces things frequently
Arula Counselling integrates creative, psychodynamic, mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) approaches with a focus on neurodiversity-affirming and trauma-informed care.
What causes ADHD?
The cause of ADHD is unknown and depends on each individual’s circumstances, such as the environment and genetics. ADHD usually first appears between the ages of 3-6 but may be left unnoticed because of a proper lack of education and knowledge in those around children.
How is ADHD diagnosed in women?
ADHD is a chronic condition that does not go away but can be mediated with proper support, such as therapy and medication. This needs careful assessment and diagnosis since there is no one way to diagnose ADHD. If you think you may have ADHD, you can start to note down your symptoms. Consult your GP or a psychiatrist, or get help from a therapist to help you understand your symptoms. It is important to note that not all symptoms will be ADHD, which requires careful consideration from a medical professional to rule out other conditions.
What are some ADHD symptoms in women?
Girls are more likely to display inattention as the predominant symptom, which is more likely to carry into adulthood. Occurring symptoms in women can be mood and anxiety and personality disorders which accompany female ADHD. This would require a proper assessment and diagnosis for awareness and clarity, given that there is a high risk for self-harm in females with ADHD.
Some symptoms of ADHD in women can lead to unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships, poor attendance or productivity at work, low self-esteem and self-confidence and difficulties in getting tasks done. Some symptoms in women might be:
mood swings
sensitivity
impulsivity
chronic stress
disorganisation and keeping with the time
chronic procrastination
difficulties multitasking
restlessness
daydreaming and inattentiveness
difficulties in money-management
forgetfulness
ADHD support for women in Berlin
ADHD support will help you cope with the symptoms and better understand yourself and your needs. ADHD support, such as counselling and medication, allows you to alleviate symptoms and learn how to better manage these, leading to improved relationships, work performance, and quality of life.
Counselling
Talking and creating awareness of yourself can help you manage day-to-day activities and create structure. Coming up with a format that is needed specifically for your needs and assessing what works for you. This can vary greatly, depending on a case-by-case basis.
Music therapy
In addition to talking, music therapy can help access our inner resources through creative means since not everything can be expressed in words. Music can help to alleviate anxiety and find ease and understanding. Because music activates our whole brain, it can help to shut the wired brain off from interfering thoughts to focus on the present moment.
If you would like to get more information on ADHD support or would like to schedule a consultation call, get in touch with me below. I look forward to hearing from you.
Language: Sex and gender exist on a spectrum. The term “women” referred to in this article reflects the term assigned at birth. However, your gender identity may not align with this category.
Please note: This is for educational purposes only and is not to substitute a therapeutic relationship with a mental health professional. If you are in a mental health crisis, please call 112 or your country's crisis line, where professional mental health workers can help you.
References
Biederman, J. et al. (2002). Influence of gender on attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in children referred to a psychiatric clinic. American Journal of Psychiatry, 159, 36–42.
Davies, W. (2014). Sex differences in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: Candidate genetic and endocrine mechanisms. Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology, 35, 331-346.
Hinshaw, S. P. et al. (2021) Annual Research-Review: Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in girls and women: underrepresentation, longitudinal processes, and key directions. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry.
Hinshaw, S.P., and Scheffler, R.M. (2014). The ADHD explosion: Myths, medication, money, and today’s push for performance. New York: Oxford University Press.
Katzman, M.A., Bilkey, T.S., Chokka, P.R. et al. Adult ADHD and comorbid disorders: clinical implications of a dimensional approach. BMC Psychiatry 17, 302 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-017-1463-3
Nerenberg, J. (2020) Divergent Mind: Thriving in a World that Wasn’t Designed for You.
How Trauma Affects Our Bodies
How does trauma show up in our bodies and how can we start to heal ourselves, create change and get better?
How does trauma show up in our bodies and how can we start to heal ourselves, create change and get better? Can our bodies really tell what is going on? How can we start paying attention to it?
What is trauma?
Trauma is not something that happened to us, it is what happened in us after we experienced it. A complex childhood environment, neglect, moving countries frequently as a child, abuse, broken relationships, and bullying can all leave us with long-lasting effects. Trauma can show up through physical pain, feeling disconnected, not finding joy in what used to lift you up or having intrusive memories that disrupt your daily life.
Understanding the impact of trauma
Traumatic experiences can leave us feeling overwhelmed, dissociated from ourselves and others, feeling sad, anxious, numb, agitated, or confused. Trauma shows up different in all of us, depending on our environment and circumstances, depending on social structures, race, gender and sexuality. Hence, there is no straight-cut answer to who gets traumatised and who does not and wounds can run deeper than we think.
Can trauma be stored in our bodies?
Trauma can show up as an intolerable felt sense such as psychosomatic pain from emotional and mental stress. It may be a tightness in your chest, neck, or back without any seaming reason. In therapy, we can start to work with these sensations and get curious about why that may be. What are our bodies trying to communicate to us? Hence, relieving the nervous system from hyper-arousal such as feeling anxious or overwhelmed or hypo-arousal, like dissociation, numbness, feeling unmotivated or stuck is vital for our emotional regulation and well-being.
Working with trauma
When we work with trauma on a pre-verbal level, we can start to unlock our painful experiences. Getting curious about our felt senses through breathing, movement and non-verbal expression. Gabor Maté has said that artistic expression itself is not a form of working through trauma. However, working through trauma in a relationship with the other such as in a therapeutic relationship is invaluable in creating change. Someone who can hold space for your thoughts and emotions, be it artistic expression or through words, has a different kind of value. Someone who is there to receive and reflect back on what might be going on for you. For people who have grown up in stressful households since early childhood, the absence of stress can create a sense of unease, boredom and meaninglessness. People may become addicted to their stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol (Maté, 2003). Therefore, creating new neural pathways and ways of thinking, re-directing you from your old beliefs has immense value. How can we start to create awareness of our bodies and create change?
1. Checking in with yourself:
Use this five-point check-in when you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or disconnected:
Mind - notice your thoughts and mental focus
Breath - are you restricting or holding your breath?
Body - notice your body's sensations
Emotions - what about feelings and associations?
Energy - do you feel fatigued or energised?
Emotional regulation plays a big part in how we connect to ourselves. For some clients, breathing can be a great anchor. For some, singing or vocal sounds are the most comfortable in grounding themselves. You can use this check-in throughout the day to notice where your mind and body are—checking in with yourself and your feelings.
2. Finding your community
Having a support network around you who can support you and understand your experiences is good for our well-being and a part of taking the step towards healing. Winnicott has said that there is no such things as a baby, but that we are all related to one another, dependant on one another and we all deserve to have that care and supporting environment.
When living in a city different from where you grew up, the language may be different, the culture may be unfamiliar and you are in an unfamiliar environment. In this case, having a solid support network around you is important. Finding community and the people that support you through your difficult experiences, who can be there for you and understand your experiences.
3. Noticing your environment:
Do you feel safe in your surroundings?
Do you feel supported by others?
Do you have people around you who you can turn to in times of difficulty?
How do you feel when you're around them?
Do they lift you up?
It's okay if you answered 'no' to these questions. The purpose is to just notice where you are and how you feel in your environment. There is no judgment. From this place, we can start to make slow changes. Maybe it is about coming to therapy and finding a safe place there. Perhaps it is about going to nature and finding your safe place there for a start or deciding to make changes about the relationships with people who make you feel good. Meditation and visualisation exercises can also create these places in our minds.
4. Working with the body
Working with the body grounds from our thoughts that may be overwhelming and triggering. Observing your breath and how the body moves and feels through movement, art-making, or music creates awareness. Through these mediums, we can slowly return to our bodies, building connections and starting to feel and see ourselves as a whole. Being more present, mindful, grounded in making decisions, and connecting with others. We don't always have to know what happened to us, but our bodies know. It stays with us. This means that we can change its course. We can take action and responsibility towards healing. We can start to learn about ourselves and show compassion towards ourselves.
Trauma is complex, challenging and a long-term process. And it is even more difficult to be alone in it. But working together with a therapist treating trauma can support healing and understanding yourself. You shouldn’t have to go through it alone. I look forward to connecting with you to discuss your needs and whether I could be of support to you. I am an English-speaking therapist in Berlin, offering online and in-person counselling for adults. You can contact me here or email me at arulacounselling@proton.me.
Disclaimer: If you live in an abusive household, you can find your closest counselling centre in Berlin here. If you are thinking of hurting yourself or others, please call 112, where professional mental health workers can help you.
References
Maté, G. (2003) When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress. Penguin Random House.
Siegel, D. (1999) The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Publications.
Winnicott, D. W. (1960) The theory of the parent-infant relationship. The International journal of psycho-analysis, 41, 585–595.
Building Resilience
How can you build resilience to cope with the difficulties that life throws at you?
How can you build resilience in your life to cope with the difficulties that life throws at you? You may want to run away in these moments to hide from conflict or anything else that requires your attention. During the current climate crisis, the war and rising cost of living make finding peace in and around all of us even more complex. How do you stay grounded during these times to protect yourself from hardships and move through life?
What is resilience?
Resilience is surviving and thriving from stressful experiences while building defensive skills to manage future difficulties. It is about successfully adapting to complex or challenging life experiences and finding ways to rely on your resources. However, building resilience requires a skill set you can work on and grow over time. Let's look at what these might look like.
Dissociation from difficult feelings
When you confidently face difficult emotions instead of shutting them down, you can integrate your thoughts and feelings and make sense of them. Nonetheless, because it is difficult and uncomfortable to sit with painful feelings, you may try to get further away from them. This leads to dissociation from your emotions. You may start to numb yourself with alcohol, food, other substances, or social media, creating a distance between your mind and body. Additionally, this builds a loop of endless distractions rather than having to focus on your inner feelings. It may also be by avoiding conflict and expressing how you really feel. This can be extremely difficult, but when getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, that's where growth lies.
How to build resilience?
When leaning into the feeling of discomfort, you may notice that there is emotional and intellectual movement. Slowing down, focusing on your breath, seeing what comes up and being curious. Below are some of the ways you can start to build resilience during difficult times.
1. Self-awareness
Self-awareness is about being aware of your thoughts, emotions and feelings. It is about noticing the way you behave or react to something. To begin seeing your reactions, think about why you might've reacted the way you did? Were you actually feeling hurt, rejected or abandoned? You can then think about what you really need. It may be that something needs to change in your life that is not making you feel fulfilled. Maybe you need some more time to focus on yourself and your needs. We all need to look after ourselves first before helping others. You may turn to your community and be open and vulnerable about your needs, even though this may be the hardest thing to do.
Ask yourself:
How is my relationship with myself?
Do I show kindness and respect towards myself?
Am I able to regulate my emotions?
Am I able to speak about my needs?
When you open yourself up to the possibility of showing your deeper feelings, people can start to understand you better and offer help and guidance where needed.
2. Nurturing relationships
How are your current relationships with others? Do you feel supported and connected to them? In relationships, we feel more empowered and worthy when developing more prosperous and meaningful relationships. To care for others and be cared for. Nurturing relationships takes time and commitment. When you engage in secure relationships, it enhances your intellectual development, sense of worth, sense of competence, empowerment, and sense of connection. However, sometimes making and keeping relationships is complex, and you may not know why that is. Together with me, we can start to unpack your relationship patterns by creating a trusting and safe therapeutic relationship. These learnings can then be transferred from sessions to your relationships outside therapy. A sense of trust will always be at the centre of relationships.
3. Relationship with your external environment
Do you feel comfortable, safe and at ease in your surroundings? If not, what makes you feel uncomfortable? How do you express yourself if you live in a city different from where you grew up? What led you to live in another town? Having a solid support network with people who value you for who you are can significantly impact how you see yourself and move through life. Living in a city with lots of noise and busyness, we may start to feel disconnected, burnt out and drained. Notice your environment. If it doesn't make you feel good, what can you do to make yourself more at ease? Going to nature and taking long walks? Perhaps you need to change your living situation to make you feel better? Take it one step at a time, and don't rush the process.
4. Trust
Sometimes, it is frustrating to sit with our feelings and emotions. Trusting that this will create the change or transformation you are trying hard to see or reach. A movement starts happening when leaning into it, allowing yourself to feel your feelings and sit with the discomfort without thinking of the outcome. Letting go of control, change begins to occur in your body and mind.
Questions to ask yourself:
Am I getting enough sleep?
Am I going outside?
Do I eat healthy meals?
Do I numb myself with food or alcohol?
How much time do I spend on social media?
Am I kind to myself?
If I have people close to me, do I try to connect with them?
Do I ask for what I need?
Resilience in therapy
In therapy, growing resilience might mean coming to the sessions when you feel your lowest. Still showing up when you don't want to and feel like there is no point in coming to therapy. You take accountability for yourself when you show up weekly, creating strength. Learning from your patterns and behaviours and creating awareness. This allows you to make changes, be aware of your thoughts and emotions and not fall into the same ways that might feel familiar.
Therapy facilitates emotional catharsis and empowerment. It connects to others and strengthens concepts of the inner self, addressing trauma and creating hope for the future. Bringing these complicated feelings to the space allows us to work through them, developing resilience. It will enable us to manage these emotions in the longer run, where we adapt more quickly. It gives us trust that these feelings will pass and that we can move forward in life. However, resilience requires work and commitment and doesn't happen overnight.
Building resilience together
Having mental health strength doesn't mean that you have to be alone in it. It is okay to ask for help and to talk to someone you trust. Everyone is different and requires different care, and reconnection with yourself takes time. Allow yourself to heal and give it time. This can be through noticing our feelings and physical symptoms in our bodies. Leaning into these feelings through play, awareness, connection and taking care of yourself first. There is always a way out, even if you don't feel it right now.
I am an English-speaking therapist in Berlin, offering online and in-person counselling. You can reach me here or email me at arulacounselling@proton.me. I look forward to connecting with you.
References
Fava, G. A., and Tomba, E. (2009). Increasing psychological well-being and resilience by psychotherapeutic methods. Journal of Personality, 77(6), 1903-1934.
Fonagy, P. and Campbell, C. (2017) Mentalising, attachment and epistemic trust: how psychotherapy can promote resilience. Research Department of Clinical, Educational and Health Psychology, University College London, London.
Scrine, E. (2021) The Limits of Resilience and the Need for Resistance: Articulating the Role of Music Therapy With Young People Within a Shifting Trauma Paradigm. Frontiers in Psychology, 12.
Podcast: Therapy Talk with It's Complicated
Our founder Kadri talks about the possibilities of music therapy, who can benefit from the modality and her journey to becoming a music therapist.
On a dark November evening, Kadri and founder of It’s Complicated and a psychologist Johanne Schwensen recorded a podcast on Music Therapy. They talked about the possibilities of music therapy, who can benefit from it and Kadri’s journey to becoming a music therapist. Have a listen above.
You can find Kadri’s It’s Complicated profile here and her Bandcamp here.
Music written and produced by her.
