How to Overcome Self-Doubt I 6 Steps to Find Your Confidence

Self-doubt may be standing in your way of personal growth and success. It can be holding you back, and I am no stranger to feeling this way. For me, personal therapy has helped hugely in overcoming my fears and doubts about my abilities. Therefore, I have compiled a list of six steps on how to overcome self-doubt that have helped me find self-confidence (which is still an ongoing process of learning with its highs and lows). I hope that these can support you and act as a starting point in the process of overcoming self-doubt, even if just a little bit. 

What is self-doubt?

Self-doubt is defined as a lack of confidence in one’s skills and abilities which can lead to feelings of incompetence, worthlessness, and unlovability, as well as difficulties in making decisions. It can further be intertwined with a fear of failure, judgement from others, fear of making mistakes.

This may interfere with your personal or professional relationships, and create a block in pursuing and achieving academic and professional goals. But it doesn’t have to be this way. 

How to overcome self-doubt

In this article we’ll cover how to overcome self-doubt and feel more confident in yourself. We’ll cover topics such as developing self-awareness, challenging your negative thoughts, setting manageable goals, finding positive support and taking action. However, it is important to be mindful that this process isn’t easy, so be kind to yourself when going through these. Let’s look at the six steps below. 

Step 1: Recognising and acknowledging your self-doubt

Awareness creates opening. Taking the time to reflect on your thoughts and feelings, and being mindful when self-doubt starts to creep in. Acknowledge, that it’s so common to have these thoughts and feelings and that you are not alone in feeling this way, that self-doubt is part of a human experience. By beginning to recognise these feelings, you can start taking back control, managing your thoughts and feelings in a more positive way. 

Step 2: Challenge your negative beliefs

Self-doubt stems from negative beliefs about yourself and your abilities. This may be related to your childhood and the false beliefs that others and perhaps yourself have been telling yourself. However, overcoming self-doubt does not mean removing these negative beliefs but rather recognising their presence. Take a pause and start to question whether these thoughts and beliefs are true or not. It is about finding more appropriate ways to support yourself, focusing on our strengths that you may have been looking past, recognising your achievements and reflecting on your achievements. 

Step 3: Set realistic goals and celebrate progress

Having goals that are too big may make you feel overwhelmed and like you’re never going to get there (if that’s even possible). Breaking down your goals into smaller, more manageable tasks is an effective way to address self-doubt. You can begin by writing these down and making a visual schedule for yourself. This will help you recognise your capabilities and the progress you’ve made, boosting your confidence and diminishing your self-doubt. Do what works for you and what makes you feel good. Give yourself credit! 

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Arula Counselling integrates creative, psychodynamic, mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) approaches with a focus on neurodiversity-affirming and trauma-informed care. 

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Step 4: Surround yourself with positive influences

Our support network is of huge value on how to overcome self-doubt. To be able to lean onto the people that we trust and feel comfortable with will help you overcome self-doubt and give you strength as you’re moving through these challenges. Engage in conversations with people who believe in your abilities and can provide a strong support system. Furthermore, engaging in activities that make you feel good, whether it’s connecting with your interests, educating yourself on new topics or taking up a new hobby, can all be great ways to boost your confidence and inspire you to reach for your goals.  

Step 5: Take action and embrace failure as a learning opportunity

It can be scary to move through your fear. It might be (and probably is) the very last thing you’re interested in doing. However, with appropriate support and encouragement, it is possible. It is about accepting that failure is a natural part of the human experience, and you are not alone in facing it. Acknowledging that stepping through failure helps to build confidence, and act as an opportunity for growth. Mistakes will be a part of that, and that’s okay. Here is an article on resilience.

Step 6: Self-compassion

Most importantly, be kind to yourself through this process of uncovering the thought patterns and ways of being that have been with you for such a long time. Be patient and avoid rushing the process, showing yourself compassion. Allow yourself to experience and acknowledge the emotions that arise, giving them space. This can be either with your loved ones, with people you trust or by finding external support. Finding support is a sign of strength. You deserve to feel good.

How to overcome self-doubt with music therapy?

Music gives a form to our inner feelings that we might be struggling with to express verbally. Bruscia (1989) has indicated that in music therapy, musical experiences are used to restore, maintain and support the wellbeing of the client and to support you in helping to find resources and tools to resolve any difficulties that you may be dealing with and increase your potential for mental wellbeing. Furthermore, Boxill (1985) has expressed that in music therapy, creating musical experiences with the client can help restore, maintain and improve your psychological, mental and physiological health. 

• Research shows that self-selected relaxation music can significantly reduce anxiety and bring the client into a more relaxed state, lowering the levels of stress and anxiety.

• Because music is a means of non-verbal expression, it can create a supportive environment of play where tension is released, reducing stress and giving way to self-expression regardless of one’s skills and abilities.

• Music therapy goals are designed to provide emotional support, decrease stress and anxiety, increase self-esteem and self-confidence, and provide a medium for creative self-expression, providing the client with an opportunity for control and independence. 

Conclusion

This article has covered six steps on strategies on how to overcome self-doubt and boost confidence. Self-doubt is a common challenge that many people face, but it does not have to define who you are. By following and keeping in mind the steps, it is possible to overcome self-doubt and find peace and confidence in yourself. Throughout your process, remember that it takes courage, commitment and self-compassion to work through your challenges but that there is potential to discover your full potential and achieve success in your life. 

If you feel like you’re ready to dive deeper then I look forward to hearing from you.

References

Braslow, M. D. et al. (2012) ‘Self Doubt’ in Social and Personality Psychology Compass 6/6: 470–482, 10.1111/j.1751-9004.2012.0044.

Bruscia, K. E.  (1989) ‘Defining Music Therapy’. Philadelphia. PA: Barcelona Publishers. 

Cohen, R. L. (1999) ‘The effect of music therapy on the reduction of anxiety for myocardial infarction patients. Unpublished Master’s Thesis, Clarkson College.

Ming, S. WU (2002) ‘Effects of Music Therapy on Anxiety, Depression and Self-Esteem of Undergraduates’. In Psychologia, 45. pp. 104-114.

How to Find the Right Therapist?

I have recently got many questions about how to find the right therapist, from friends to family members to clients. I have had these questions myself and have gone through the process several times. And it’s not easy. I have even felt like I’m online dating when trying to find a therapist - how can I possibly decide? What about the different approaches? Gestalt, integrative psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, counselling, music therapy? What do all these even mean? To help you find a therapist in Berlin, I have put together a list of five things to consider.

Consider your goals for therapy 

What are you looking to get from therapy? Are you struggling with a specific situation, looking to improve your well-being, or want to get to know yourself better? Often, we might want to get ‘well’ quick and opt for the short-term option. And it is scary to start therapy. However, finding the right therapist will take time if you are willing to work on yourself. It would be helpful to bring this up with your potential therapist and discuss what might or might not work for you.

Take time to find the right therapist 

It is essential to take your time when finding the right therapist. You don’t have to settle for the first one you meet. It may be helpful to prepare some questions to determine whether a therapist is a right fit for you. You may try out a couple of different therapists. Think of them as job interviews where you can decide who you want to work with.

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Arula Counselling integrates creative, psychodynamic, mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) approaches with a focus on neuro-affirming and trauma-informed care. 

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Feeling comfortable during your therapy session

Feeling comfortable in a session is important. How do you feel when you are with your therapist? Be aware of your feelings. Do you feel a sense of ease? Are you uncomfortable and anxious? Notice what comes up for you, but be aware that feeling uncomfortable is an inevitable part of therapy, and it is normal to feel that way.

Building a connection with your therapist

Building a good connection is an essential part of therapy. If you settle for a therapist you don’t like, the treatment may not be as valuable as it could’ve been. Do you feel safe and listened to? Is it a non-judgmental space where you can be open?

Finding the right type of therapy

Every therapist is different. We all come with different experiences and different ways we relate to clients. We are human after all. A good therapist will be willing to discuss with you if the therapy is not the right fit, and if some other types of therapy may be better for you. You may even discuss whether you would benefit from a different approach. Talk to your therapist about it - they may be able to refer you to someone else and have connections. Be open to discussion. I encourage you to communicate your feelings to your therapist as soon as possible, as it leads to deeper exploration and a better healing journey.

How can therapy help me? 

Once you find a therapist that feels right for you, you can start working on creating trust. They will be there for you to hear you out, model healthy boundaries, and encourage talking about topics that you haven’t been able to talk about before. You can start getting to know yourself. The therapist will be the mirror and a reflection of yourself. However, the process will not be easy, and there may be times you don’t want to go to therapy. You may feel like stopping altogether. It takes courage to reach out for support and keep going. 

I offer online and in-person counselling and music therapy in English and Estonian in Berlin. I look forward to connecting with you.

What Happens in Music Therapy?

Music therapy is the clinical and evidence-based use of music interventions. Music is a therapeutic tool to accomplish individualised goals within a therapeutic relationship by a credentialed professional. These interventions address goals such as alleviating pain, managing stress, anxiety and physical symptoms, supporting self-expression, enhancing memory, and improving mood and communication (AMTA, 2022). But what really happens in music therapy, and how can you benefit from it?

What happens in music therapy?

In music therapy, music serves as a medium for processing emotions and feelings. As opposed to talking therapy, the emphasis is more on non-verbal expression, working with an embodied approach. Let's look at how we can use music in therapy sessions.

Music listening

Listening to songs that have a special meaning evokes memories. It may be a song from childhood, a song you listened to on repeat during your teenage years, or something that reminds you of home. Another form is discussing the song's lyrics, meaning, and how these songs make us feel. It can significantly impact your understanding of yourself and your mental health, connect you to your culture and make sense of your early experiences.

Playing in therapy 

Playing together enhances connection and improves our well-being. For example, playing a rainstick or a handpan can create relaxing and soothing sounds that can be especially effective with ADHD. I have noticed that sometimes clients need a little encouragement when starting. When they listen to me playing a few chords on the piano or the guitar, clients may feel more relaxed and at ease in playing together and experimenting with sounds. Beginning to let go of anxious feelings that may arise. Playing together gets easier the more we play. It is about having fun with it and letting go of any expectations you may have for yourself. 

Writing songs

Writing can be a great way to express yourself. You are putting your thoughts and feelings on paper and finding a sound and a melody that matches the song's emotions. In music therapy, you can participate in one-to-one or group sessions. Meaning you will be in a relationship with others who will support you along the way. Songwriting supports connection and communication and helps to express thoughts and feelings creatively. 

Musical meditation

If feeling too overwhelmed, doing a simple breathing exercise to ground ourselves and let us come back to our bodies can have a significant effect. Listening to instrumental music, or music played live by the therapist, supports stress and anxiety and relaxes us into the present moment. It can be effective when working with complex and overwhelming feelings.

Drumming 

When drumming together, we can experiment with different sounds and dynamics, such as playing louder or quieter and trying out different rhythms. After playing, we can reflect on the playing and what happened in the music. Drumming helps us get more into our bodies and out of our thoughts. When overwhelmed by your thoughts and emotions, drumming can create distance between them and alleviate anxiety.

Online music therapy

Online music therapy emphasises working with the body, verbal expression, meditations, and vocal sounds since we won't be able to play simultaneously. There might not be access to instruments, but we can still work together in an embodied and musical way. Technology continues making connections and finding creative ways of expressing ourselves. 

Who can benefit from music therapy? 

Music therapy suits every age group, from infants to older adults. I specialise in working with trauma, substance misuse, depression, anxiety and neurodiversity. I use music as a tool to facilitate attachment and human connection. However, the techniques mentioned above are not necessarily used in sessions at the same time. By working together, we can explore what works for you. These are only some of the techniques that may be used. 

If you feel disconnected from yourself, struggle to make and maintain relationships, and make sense of your experiences, I look forward to hearing from you. You can contact me here or email me at arulacounselling@proton.me. 

References

AMTA (2022) American Music Therapy Association. 

Building Resilience

How can you build resilience in your life to cope with the difficulties that life throws at you? You may want to run away in these moments to hide from conflict or anything else that requires your attention. During the current climate crisis, the war and rising cost of living make finding peace in and around all of us even more complex. How do you stay grounded during these times to protect yourself from hardships and move through life? 

What is resilience?

Resilience is surviving and thriving from stressful experiences while building defensive skills to manage future difficulties. It is about successfully adapting to complex or challenging life experiences and finding ways to rely on your resources. However, building resilience requires a skill set you can work on and grow over time. Let's look at what these might look like. 

Dissociation from difficult feelings

When you confidently face difficult emotions instead of shutting them down, you can integrate your thoughts and feelings and make sense of them. Nonetheless, because it is difficult and uncomfortable to sit with painful feelings, you may try to get further away from them. This leads to dissociation from your emotions. You may start to numb yourself with alcohol, food, other substances, or social media, creating a distance between your mind and body. Additionally, this builds a loop of endless distractions rather than having to focus on your inner feelings. It may also be by avoiding conflict and expressing how you really feel. This can be extremely difficult, but when getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, that's where growth lies. 

How to build resilience?

When leaning into the feeling of discomfort, you may notice that there is emotional and intellectual movement. Slowing down, focusing on your breath, seeing what comes up and being curious. Below are some of the ways you can start to build resilience during difficult times. 

1. Self-awareness

Self-awareness is about being aware of your thoughts, emotions and feelings. It is about noticing the way you behave or react to something. To begin seeing your reactions, think about why you might've reacted the way you did? Were you actually feeling hurt, rejected or abandoned? You can then think about what you really need. It may be that something needs to change in your life that is not making you feel fulfilled. Maybe you need some more time to focus on yourself and your needs. We all need to look after ourselves first before helping others. You may turn to your community and be open and vulnerable about your needs, even though this may be the hardest thing to do. 

Ask yourself: 

• How is my relationship with myself?

• Do I show kindness and respect towards myself?

• Am I able to regulate my emotions?

• Am I able to speak about my needs?

When you open yourself up to the possibility of showing your deeper feelings, people can start to understand you better and offer help and guidance where needed. 

2. Nurturing relationships

How are your current relationships with others? Do you feel supported and connected to them? In relationships, we feel more empowered and worthy when developing more prosperous and meaningful relationships. To care for others and be cared for. Nurturing relationships takes time and commitment. When you engage in secure relationships, it enhances your intellectual development, sense of worth, sense of competence, empowerment, and sense of connection. However, sometimes making and keeping relationships is complex, and you may not know why that is. Together with me, we can start to unpack your relationship patterns by creating a trusting and safe therapeutic relationship. These learnings can then be transferred from sessions to your relationships outside therapy. A sense of trust will always be at the centre of relationships. 

3. Relationship with your external environment

Do you feel comfortable, safe and at ease in your surroundings? If not, what makes you feel uncomfortable? How do you express yourself if you live in a city different from where you grew up? What led you to live in another town? Having a solid support network with people who value you for who you are can significantly impact how you see yourself and move through life. Living in a city with lots of noise and busyness, we may start to feel disconnected, burnt out and drained. Notice your environment. If it doesn't make you feel good, what can you do to make yourself more at ease? Going to nature and taking long walks? Perhaps you need to change your living situation to make you feel better? Take it one step at a time, and don't rush the process.

4. Trust

Sometimes, it is frustrating to sit with our feelings and emotions. Trusting that this will create the change or transformation you are trying hard to see or reach. A movement starts happening when leaning into it, allowing yourself to feel your feelings and sit with the discomfort without thinking of the outcome. Letting go of control, change begins to occur in your body and mind. 

Questions to ask yourself: 

• Am I getting enough sleep?

• Am I going outside?

• Do I eat healthy meals?

• Do I numb myself with food or alcohol?

• How much time do I spend on social media?

• Am I kind to myself?

• If I have people close to me, do I try to connect with them?

• Do I ask for what I need?

Resilience in therapy

In therapy, growing resilience might mean coming to the sessions when you feel your lowest. Still showing up when you don't want to and feel like there is no point in coming to therapy. You take accountability for yourself when you show up weekly, creating strength. Learning from your patterns and behaviours and creating awareness. This allows you to make changes, be aware of your thoughts and emotions and not fall into the same ways that might feel familiar.

Therapy facilitates emotional catharsis and empowerment. It connects to others and strengthens concepts of the inner self, addressing trauma and creating hope for the future. Bringing these complicated feelings to the space allows us to work through them, developing resilience. It will enable us to manage these emotions in the longer run, where we adapt more quickly. It gives us trust that these feelings will pass and that we can move forward in life. However, resilience requires work and commitment and doesn't happen overnight. 

Building resilience together

Having mental health strength doesn't mean that you have to be alone in it. It is okay to ask for help and to talk to someone you trust. Everyone is different and requires different care, and reconnection with yourself takes time. Allow yourself to heal and give it time. This can be through noticing our feelings and physical symptoms in our bodies. Leaning into these feelings through play, awareness, connection and taking care of yourself first. There is always a way out, even if you don't feel it right now.

I am an English-speaking therapist in Berlin, offering online and in-person counselling. You can reach me here or email me at arulacounselling@proton.me. I look forward to connecting with you.

References

Fava, G. A., and Tomba, E. (2009). Increasing psychological well-being and resilience by psychotherapeutic methods. Journal of Personality, 77(6), 1903-1934.

Fonagy, P. and Campbell, C. (2017) Mentalising, attachment and epistemic trust: how psychotherapy can promote resilience. Research Department of Clinical, Educational and Health Psychology, University College London, London. 

Scrine, E. (2021) The Limits of Resilience and the Need for Resistance: Articulating the Role of Music Therapy With Young People Within a Shifting Trauma Paradigm. Frontiers in Psychology, 12.