The Connection Between Autism and Loneliness [in Neurodivergent Women]
When reaching adulthood, many autistic women lack social support and knowledge on how to find available support. Let's find out how to start creating connection to decrease feelings of loneliness.
Research shows that loneliness and autism are interconnected where autistic people experience loneliness more intensely than non-autistic individuals. Despite the general misconception that autistic people prefer to be alone, many are interested in social connections. However, it can be challenging to form new relationships due to experiencing difficulties with social interaction.
In this article, I’ll focus on the connection between autism and loneliness, discussing what loneliness is, the connection between loneliness and autism focusing on neurodivergent women, the challenges of autism and loneliness, and how to find support that works for you.
1. What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a form of subjective social isolation where a person feels that their current social situation doesn’t align with their social needs and preferences, leading to unpleasant emotions. It is an experience of a lack of fulfilling connections with others such as in intimate relationships, family, friendships or collective loneliness.
‘Many persons in society who are considered to be different and diverse are likely to be exposed to discrimination, exclusion, and (physical, emotional, and psychological) pain from people and institutions with the dominant majority group in society. Such negative treatment can severely impact their levels of trust, self-confidence, fear, anxiety, and future life opportunities’.
- Colin Lago, 2011
2. Loneliness in neurodivergent women
Loneliness is a common experience in neurodivergent women which can lead to mental health difficulties such as low self-esteem, lack of confidence, self-doubt, anxiety and depression. Moreover, the pervasive lack of acceptance and understanding of autism within society can compound the social challenges faced by those with autism, further contributing to feelings of exclusion and loneliness.
It may be that you lack knowledge and understanding of how autism affects you. It may be challenging to find common topics to talk about with others, and you may feel that you don't seem to connect with people in the same way others seem to do. Your interests may differ from theirs which may make having small talk exhausting, creating further feelings of isolation.
3. Gender based misdiagnosis
Given that autism has historically been considered a ‘male’ condition, many neurodivergent women are often misdiagnosed or overlooked. This leads to a gender bias in diagnosis, further creating the connection between autism and loneliness in neurodivergent girls and women. This may lead to you not getting the appropriate support, and struggling to know where to find the help you need.
Arula Counselling integrates creative, psychodynamic, mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) approaches with a focus on neurodiversity-affirming and trauma-informed care.
4. Coping skills that may increase loneliness in autism
Masking
Masking and hiding your true self can be painful. It may involve mimicking others’ behaviours so that people won’t find out about your differences. This may involve a fear of being seen as different or being perceived negatively, leading you to try to ‘fit in’ and act in ways that are far from your comfort. However, the more you suppress who you are, the more painful the experience becomes. Autistic ‘traits’ can be experiences that are not considered socially acceptable such as stimming, hypersensitivity to your environment, and not reading social cues according to social standards. Masking these autistic experiences can lead to, or increase feelings of:
Isolation
Rejection
Low self-esteem
Social anxiety
Depression
This creates further disconnection from yourself, trying to conform to social norms. You may feel like you can't be yourself when you're around other people, that you won't be accepted the way you are. Even if your coping skills and strategies may seem to be working in the short term, learning to mask may start from an early age, usually leading to more complex mental health challenges.
Differences in sensory processing
Due to the overwhelming social settings such as being triggered by noise, strong smells, and touch such as clothes not fitting the right way. You may want to remove yourself from these situations but feel like you can’t. This can create a feeling of being frozen, unable to act or respond to a situation. The intense sensations and discomfort can lead to a sense of panic or anxiety, where your body feels tense and your mind races. This is a common experience for those experiencing sensory sensitivities or social anxiety in overstimulating settings. During these times, it is important to be kind to yourself and to recognise that this is your body’s way of protecting yourself. With time, learning about yourself and your needs, creating structures that work for you such as wearing noise-cancelling headphones, removing yourself from the triggering setting or planning for breaks. The goal is to honour your needs in demanding social situations.
Holding conversations
It may be difficult to hold a conversation that doesn’t interest you at all. However, it’s a different story when you connect with someone on a topic that you are knowledgeable about, creating a sense of connection and mutual understanding. For many autistic individuals, having a conversation on a topic that they are knowledgeable about provides a flow of self-expression, fostering a genuine connection.
5. Reframing your autistic experience
Creating awareness
When you start to create awareness around your autistic experience in a safe space, you may begin to understand yourself and others in a new way. Through this, you may start to reframe your experience and to make sense of why it’s been difficult for you. It may not be that you’re anxious but that living in a world that functions differently and that is not adapted to the unique differences creates pressure. You may be feeling exhausted, isolated, and disconnected. However, this is not your fault.
Living in a world that's not designed for you is hard, trying hard to ‘fit in’ to an experience that doesn’t seem to match your needs, however hard you try. Understanding your autistic traits and your experience is a start in learning about yourself, what you like and what you don't like. You can then start communicating that to others and be in spaces that feel right to you. You don't have to suffer and try to fit in just because other people seem to be coping well.
Relearning about yourself
By creating a safe enough experience for you in the therapy room, you’ll begin to find out what you feel comfortable with, and what you don't. By learning about yourself, you start to get to know yourself. You may find that you are better suited for different environments that you are currently in. For example, your job, the people you surround yourself with, your interests etc. Take the time to consider and find out what is important to you and what feels good to you. This can look different from what you witness in your daily life, and that’s okay. Know that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you.
Acceptance
Research shows that a lack of autism awareness and understanding causes negative social experiences for autistic adults, including bullying and social isolation. Furthermore, peer rejection can happen due to the lack of knowledge of and dismissing your unique sensory experiences. Such an experience of rejection could lead to feeling 'othered'. However, you are not wrong or bad for others not having the appropriate knowledge.
Differences make us who we are. When the rest of the world doesn't know how to support you, accepting yourself and not seeing yourself at fault can be difficult. Even though it's initially tricky, learning about yourself and listening to your needs will make you more understanding and show compassion and kindness to yourself. Even if it feels right now like you won't be able to heal, there is a way out. You have the strength in you.
Self-compassion
Having self-compassion is a considerable part of the process of healing. Being kind to yourself and working on acceptance decreases the sense of loneliness. However, this is a challenging process, and there will be ups and downs. But staying with it and staying consistent will help you get through it. Not avoiding the pain but feeling it and working through it with compassion. It may be about giving more time to yourself, such as needing more time to wind down after a social event. It is important to create that space for yourself to recharge and not overload yourself.
Engaging with your community
Seeing other people going through the same things can help us find hope. Engaging with other autistic people can help you feel less alone, find hope and help you see that you are not alone with your symptoms. Finding relationships that feel good to you and with whom you can connect makes a difference. Even if it is just one person that you trust will support you in your process of understanding and healing.
6. Finding support
When reaching adulthood, many autistic women lack social support and knowledge on how to find available support. Healthcare professionals can often make you feel misunderstood. There is a risk of misdiagnosis, increasing the likelihood of feeling isolated and lonely. Unsurprisingly, you may not want to turn to medical professionals to seek support.
You may be feeling hopeless and thinking about giving up. But it’s important to know that there is support available for you. It may be starting therapy with a professional who understands you and your needs, by joining an appropriate support group, adapting your environment to your needs, or engaging in activities that you enjoy doing. Finding a therapist who understands neurodivergence can make processing your experiences a lot easier. Therefore, look for support groups that offer a comforting and inviting environment for your specific needs. Read more on what to talk about in therapy.
7. Conclusion
Autistic people desire friendships and connections as much as anyone. It is about finding value in social relationships, belonging, and feeling heard and understood. Therefore, addressing the connection between autism and loneliness is crucial to improving social and communication challenges in the autistic community. By doing so, we start to create more awareness and can find ways of supporting mental health and well-being.
A safe environment to express yourself and talk about what's on your mind and how you feel can be a great place to start. You don't have to be alone in your experience. Talking to a professional who knows about neurodiversity helps to validate your experience.
Building relationships
Positive view and acceptance of yourself
Social skills interventions
Spending time doing activities you like
Music therapy can offer a safe way to start processing your emotions and feelings through a safer outlet.
I am an English-speaking therapist in Berlin, offering autism support for adults. I see clients both online and in-person.
Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and does not substitute a therapeutic relationship with a mental health professional. If you are in a mental health crisis, please call 112 or your country's crisis line, where professional mental health workers can help you. Here are some additional resources.
References
Brickhill, R., et al. (2023). Autism, thy name is man: Exploring implicit and explicit gender bias in autism perceptions. PloS one, 18(8), e0284013. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0284013
Davis, H. (2022) ‘Autism is a way of being’: An ‘insider perspective’ on neurodiversity, music therapy and social justice’ in British Journal of Music Therapy, Vol. 36(1) 16–26.
Grace, K., et al. (2022). Loneliness in autistic adults: A systematic review. Autism, 26(8), 2117-2135. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613221077721
Hadley, S. (2013). Dominant narratives: Complicity and the need for vigilance in the creative arts therapies. The Arts in Psychotherapy, 40(4), 373-381. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.aip.2013.05.004
Lago, C. (2011). Diversity, oppression, and society: Implications for person-centered therapists. Person-Centered & Experiential Psychotherapies, 10(4), 235–247.
Sinclair, J. (1993) ‘Don’t Mourn for Us’ in Autism Network International newsletter, Our Voice, Volume 1, Number 3.
Hidden Struggles: Exploring the Impact of Autism and Depression in Adult Mental Health
In this blog post, we will explore the unique challenges faced by adults with dual diagnoses of autism and depression and the importance of understanding, support, and music therapy in your journey.
As we delve into the complexities of mental health, it is important that we talk about the hidden struggles that often go unnoticed. Autism and depression are two conditions that can profoundly impact your daily life, especially when experienced together. In this blog post, we will explore the unique challenges faced by adults with dual diagnoses of autism and depression, explore the concept of autistic burnout, and the importance of understanding and support in your journey.
Understanding Autism and Depression
Autism Spectrum Condition (ASC) is a neurodevelopmental condition characterised by difficulties in social interaction, communication, and 'stimming’. Depression, however, is a mood disorder that affects an individual’s overall well-being, causing persistent sadness, loss of interest, and difficulties in managing daily activities. When these conditions coexist, they can create a complex and nuanced mental health landscape.
What is Autistic Burnout?
Depression and autistic burnout are distinct mental health experiences that share common symptoms and challenges. Depression is characterised by sadness and loss of interest, while autistic burnout is specific to those on the spectrum, caused by overwhelming environments and stress. The key difference lies in origins and triggers: depression has varied causes, while autistic burnout is linked to how individuals with autism process information. Recognising these differences is important for effective support and therapy.
The Impact on Mental Health
The impact of autism and depression on mental health cannot be underestimated. Adults with autism often face challenges in social situations, which can lead to feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, and difficulties in relationships. The presence of depression expands these struggles, intensifying feelings of hopelessness and despair. The constant effort to navigate social cues and communication can become overwhelming, contributing to increased vulnerability to mental health issues.
Hidden Struggles and Masking
For adults with autism and depression, the ability to mask your struggles becomes a survival mechanism. You may have developed coping mechanisms to hide your difficulties, masking your true needs, emotions, and internal struggles. This constant masking can be mentally exhausting and takes a toll on an already fragile mental health. It also decreases the likelihood of others recognising your challenges and offering you the necessary support.
The Power of Music Therapy
In the face of these hidden struggles, music therapy emerges as a powerful and effective tool for adults with autism and depression. Music therapy provides a safe and nonjudgmental space where you can express yourself, communicate, and connect with others. Through music, therapists can facilitate emotional expression, reduce anxiety and stress, and support you in developing coping strategies that work for you.
Research has shown that music therapy interventions can improve social interaction skills, enhance self-expression, and boost mood in individuals with autism and depression. Playing instruments, engaging in songwriting, and participating in therapeutic improvisation can foster a sense of empowerment and autonomy. The rhythmic and melodic characteristics of music also stimulate neural networks, enhancing cognitive and emotional processing.
Building a Supportive Community
Creating a supportive community is crucial in addressing the hidden struggles faced by adults with autism and depression. By fostering understanding, empathy, and acceptance, we can break down the barriers that prevent you from seeking help and feeling understood. Educating ourselves about autism and depression, promoting mental health awareness, and creating inclusive spaces are tangible actions that can make a difference.
Conclusion
The intertwining of autism and depression presents unique challenges for adults striving to maintain their mental health. Recognising and addressing these hidden struggles is crucial. Music therapy offers an invaluable avenue for self-expression, emotional release, and personal growth. By embracing the power of music and fostering a support community, we can work together to empower and uplift adults with autism and depression, ensuring you feel seen, heard, and understood in your journey towards mental well-being.
If you’re interested in exploring this further, please contact me here or via the button below. I look forward to hearing from you!
Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes only. If you are suffering from severe trauma, live in an abusive household or are in danger, call 112 or your country's crisis line, where professional mental health workers can offer you appropriate support.
