How to Set Boundaries During the Holidays
How can you start setting boundaries to have healthy relationships and keep yourself safe?
December is here and we are getting closer to the holiday period. For some of us, this can cause anxiety when having to spend time with family. It can bring up triggers that we are not used to in our daily lives. How can you start setting boundaries to have healthy relationships and keep yourself safe?
How to start setting boundaries with family?
Holidays can trigger lots of uncomfortable feelings simply because we are surrounded by family members, which can be triggering old wounds that we haven’t processed yet. However, it helps to know that we don’t have to stay stuck in our old ways of being such as when we were children. As adults, we can decide what is best for us and where we want to put our energy on. But where to start? Below, I have mentioned 5 ways you can start setting boundaries with your family.
Only say yes to events you actually want to attend
You don’t need to attend every event you have been invited to. Know what is best for you and honour yourself. If you know that you are going to be surrounded by people that don’t lift you up or the thought of going to these events drains you, then choose to say no, however difficult that might be.
Don’t tolerate comments about your body or food
Please don’t tolerate comments about your eating habits or the way your body looks. You can politely say that you would rather not talk about these topics or that you don’t feel comfortable discussing these. You can even say, ‘Please don’t comment on the way my body looks or comment on what I eat’. This can be uncomfortable to start with but will be worth the effort.
You can walk away from stressful situations
If something is triggering you, notice how you feel. Know that you don’t have to stay in these situations that cause you overwhelm. If the other person keeps breaking your boundaries then you can choose to walk away with grace. It is okay to leave the situation to keep yourself safe without giving explanations. You can decide whether to engage or not. Ask yourself, ‘Is it worth my energy or not?’
Take breaks during and between holiday events
You can take time off by going for a walk or having a couple of deeper breaths to connect with yourself and come back to it. You have options and you can choose what is best for you. Maybe you arrive by car to the event so you can leave when you want to. Perhaps recharging by doing something that feels good to you in between the events rather than draining yourself.
Spending limits on presents
You can set boundaries with your money too, and know what you can or cannot afford, or what you want to spend your money on. You don’t have to spend money on presents that you don’t want to do. Honour that and know what is best for you.
Leaning into discomfort whilst setting boundaries
It is worth noting, that this is not possible in every culture. Please bear this is mind when starting to set boundaries and do what feels right to you. Have self-compassion whilst setting boundaries since it can be uncomfortable at first. People asking personal questions about your life, or questioning the way you are living your life. If you have a safe person in your family, you can share your feelings and thoughts with them and spend time with them if they make you feel good. You don’t have to stay stuck in conversations that you don’t feel comfortable with, be it about body image or politics.
Take-aways
do what feels right to you
be kind to yourself whilst setting new boundaries
if you have a safe person in your family, choose to spend more time with them
If you’d like to have further support, please contact me via the button below.
How Many Therapy Sessions Do I Need?
This article explores the reasons you may come to therapy, the therapy process and the road to recovery.
This article explores why you may come to treatment, the therapy process and the road to recovery. We discuss what to think about when considering the number of therapy sessions you’d need. Let’s dive in.
What brings you to therapy?
Think about what brings you to therapy and what you need help with. During an initial consultation call, a therapist offers you a safe and non-judgmental space to explore what led you to contact them in the first place. The therapist will help you gain clarity and think about the support you may need. Think about:
is it a specific issue you would like to solve?
has there been something on your mind for a while, and you feel like you need to talk to someone?
Whatever it is, being open with your therapist during the consultation call can help you find the direction you need. Equally, the therapist helps to think about whether you need short-term (6-12 sessions) or long-term therapy. Usually, the first four sessions help determine whether you’d be a match and whether a particular type of therapy fits your needs.
The road to recovery
Therapy is not a linear process. It can be up and down, back and forth. You can feel energised and like you’ve made a lot of progress on some days. On others, you may be feeling anxious and overwhelmed, a sense of having lost direction. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you have fallen behind on your progress or that the steps you have taken are suddenly lost. You don’t need to fix your emotions. Instead, it’s about feeling them and letting go of them. It is part of the process. What matters is that you show up to the sessions and you show up for yourself. You don’t need to have it all figured out. We can figure it out together.
Setting goals for therapy
With your therapist, you can set goals for therapy and assess these throughout the process. You may have come to treatment with one particular issue or question. However, during the process, it may be that something else has come up that you’d need to process and dive deeper. However, having goals in mind can help you keep track of your process. You can always come back to them and reflect on these during the sessions, where necessary.
Checking in with your therapist
Your goals can change throughout the therapy process. If you feel like you have accomplished your initial goals or lack direction, check in with your therapist. It is a collaborative partnership, and your therapist is open to feedback. We are human, too, and we don’t always know whether what we focus on in the session is your most pressing issue. Giving feedback is important, helps to track progress, and strengthens the relationship between you two.
How do I know I’ve made progress?
We will inevitably face life problems, but we don’t suffer because of them. We suffer when we get stuck on the same problem repeatedly. Here are some of the ways progress can show up:
improvement in your relationships
a change in your thought patterns
change in dealing with challenges
being more open in communication
practising self-compassion
saying no
taking time for yourself
nourishing your body
scheduling in exercise
asking for help
Ending therapy
You and your therapist may talk about ending therapy when you both feel like sufficient growth has happened. You feel more content in your daily life and can manage difficulties better. You can apply what you’ve learnt in therapy to life outside the sessions. You can then set an end date and work towards it together. You can also start seeing your therapist fortnightly to reduce the support you need and eventually end therapy.
However, ending therapy doesn’t mean that you can’t contact your therapist again. We will always be happy to offer you check-in sessions if you feel in need. Equally, it doesn’t mean that you haven’t grown, but it is about giving and allowing space and time for yourself and check-in in with yourself from time to time.
How many therapy sessions do I need?
Therefore, the length of therapy depends on many factors. It is about the process rather than finding a quick fix or solution to your problem, understanding yourself and giving yourself time to look deeper.
I am an English-speaking therapist in Berlin, offering online and in-person counselling. Contact me to schedule a consultation call if you are considering starting therapy. If you have more questions about treatment and the length of therapy, I look forward to hearing from you.
Please note: This is for educational purposes only and is not to substitute a therapeutic relationship with a mental health professional. If you are in a mental health crisis, please call 112 or your country's crisis line, where professional mental health workers can help you.
Do I Need to Have a Mental Health Issue to Use Therapy?
What are the misconceptions about mental health support, who can benefit from therapy and how to know whether therapy is for you?
Have you wondered whether therapy is something for you or if you could benefit from it? Have you been thinking about it for some time but can't seem to take that first step? This article explores the misconceptions about mental health support, who can benefit from therapy and how to know whether therapy is for you.
What is a mental health issue?
Mental health issues can range from anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, substance misuse, ADHD, autism, sexual trauma etc. These big words can often be associated with stigma in the wider population. Maybe you don't have a diagnosis but have noticed something is not entirely right. Whatever your situation, you can still benefit from therapy. Not having a mental health diagnosis doesn't mean therapy isn't for you.
Who is therapy for?
To come to therapy, you don't need to know whether you have a mental health issue or not. It may be time to get in touch with a therapist if you:
are struggling to get through the day-to-day
are not feeling like yourself
are feeling overwhelmed and struggling to make decisions
have difficulties in your relationships
In therapy, you can start to get curious about why you may have these thoughts, feelings and emotions. Simply starting these conversations with a trained professional can give you clarity in what you need and in thinking about the next steps.
How do you know if therapy is for you?
Therapy is not only for people who have a diagnosed mental health disorder. You can start treatment whenever you feel stuck or feel like it is time to do something about how you feel. There can still be a stigma associated with coming to therapy, but it doesn't have to be that way. If you have doubts about it, we can start unpacking that and consider why you may feel shame or anxiety when coming to therapy.
Where to start?
Looking for a therapist can be overwhelming. Give yourself time. You can begin by contacting 2-3 therapists and scheduling a consultation call with them. Talk about whether they could help you with the issue you have. If it's not the right fit, tell your therapist at the end of the consultation, or if you need more time to decide, you can email them. Don't leave your therapist wondering since this is also the basis of healthy communication. We'd like to hear from you even if the answer is no.
How can therapy help you?
Talking to a friend is an option, but you may not be as open with a friend as talking to a trained mental health professional. In friendships, there may be judgements and other people's feelings involved. We may be projecting our feelings or beliefs onto another person. However, therapy offers you a non-judgemental space where you can explore in a safe space what it is that your feeling is about and start to dive deeper. It is about you finding your own answers and learning about yourself.
Reasons you may be avoiding therapy
There are many reasons why people delay going to therapy. Stigma is associated with asking for help and seeing a mental health professional. You may think it's not for you since you don't have a serious mental health issue. However, prevention is key to sustainable mental health and to your quality of life. Reasons you may be avoiding therapy:
having had bad experiences
thinking that your life will fall apart
believing that the problems will go away on their own with time
not trusting that therapy can help you
These are all valid reasons and fears of why you may be avoiding therapy. However, getting on a consultation call can help you gain clarity and help you in your process of starting to feel better. The first session might be the scariest one and is often anxiety-provoking to both parties, the therapist and the client. It may help to bring that to the space and know that it's natural to feel anxious. It is a new situation, so there will be many unknowns, but you don't have to be in it alone.
Taking the first step
During the consultation call, we can explore whether we're a match. It's okay not to know. Coming to therapy can prevent having a more profound mental health crisis. It is never too early or late to start therapy. You may have recommendations for a therapist from colleagues, friends, or someone who resonated with you in the online directory. Reach out to them and schedule calls with them. You cannot know whether they're the right fit, but you can give it a go.
Making a decision
Talking with your therapist can help you decide whether therapy is something you're ready to commit to. Get in touch with me if you have any questions or have thought about starting therapy with me. Whatever the question is, we can find an answer together. I look forward to hearing from you.
Please note: This is for educational purposes only and is not to substitute a therapeutic relationship with a mental health professional. If you are in a mental health crisis, please call 112 or your country's crisis line, where professional mental health workers can help you.
What Happens in Music Therapy?
How can music be used in a music therapy session?
Music therapy is the clinical and evidence-based use of music interventions. Music is a therapeutic tool to accomplish individualised goals within a therapeutic relationship by a credentialed professional. These interventions address goals such as alleviating pain, managing stress, anxiety and physical symptoms, supporting self-expression, enhancing memory, and improving mood and communication (AMTA, 2022). But what really happens in music therapy, and how can you benefit from it?
What happens in music therapy?
In music therapy, music serves as a medium for processing emotions and feelings. As opposed to talking therapy, the emphasis is more on non-verbal expression, working with an embodied approach. Let's look at how we can use music in therapy sessions.
Music listening
Listening to songs that have a special meaning evokes memories. It may be a song from childhood, a song you listened to on repeat during your teenage years, or something that reminds you of home. Another form is discussing the song's lyrics, meaning, and how these songs make us feel. It can significantly impact your understanding of yourself and your mental health, connect you to your culture and make sense of your early experiences.
Playing in therapy
Playing together enhances connection and improves our well-being. For example, playing a rainstick or a handpan can create relaxing and soothing sounds that can be especially effective with ADHD. I have noticed that sometimes clients need a little encouragement when starting. When they listen to me playing a few chords on the piano or the guitar, clients may feel more relaxed and at ease in playing together and experimenting with sounds. Beginning to let go of anxious feelings that may arise. Playing together gets easier the more we play. It is about having fun with it and letting go of any expectations you may have for yourself.
Writing songs
Writing can be a great way to express yourself. You are putting your thoughts and feelings on paper and finding a sound and a melody that matches the song's emotions. In music therapy, you can participate in one-to-one or group sessions. Meaning you will be in a relationship with others who will support you along the way. Songwriting supports connection and communication and helps to express thoughts and feelings creatively.
Musical meditation
If feeling too overwhelmed, doing a simple breathing exercise to ground ourselves and let us come back to our bodies can have a significant effect. Listening to instrumental music, or music played live by the therapist, supports stress and anxiety and relaxes us into the present moment. It can be effective when working with complex and overwhelming feelings.
Drumming
When drumming together, we can experiment with different sounds and dynamics, such as playing louder or quieter and trying out different rhythms. After playing, we can reflect on the playing and what happened in the music. Drumming helps us get more into our bodies and out of our thoughts. When overwhelmed by your thoughts and emotions, drumming can create distance between them and alleviate anxiety.
Online music therapy
Online music therapy emphasises working with the body, verbal expression, meditations, and vocal sounds since we won't be able to play simultaneously. There might not be access to instruments, but we can still work together in an embodied and musical way. Technology continues making connections and finding creative ways of expressing ourselves.
Who can benefit from music therapy?
Music therapy suits every age group, from infants to older adults. I specialise in working with trauma, substance misuse, depression, anxiety and neurodiversity. I use music as a tool to facilitate attachment and human connection. However, the techniques mentioned above are not necessarily used in sessions at the same time. By working together, we can explore what works for you. These are only some of the techniques that may be used.
If you feel disconnected from yourself, struggle to make and maintain relationships, and make sense of your experiences, I look forward to hearing from you. You can contact me here or email me at arulacounselling@proton.me.
References
AMTA (2022) American Music Therapy Association.
Using Music to Relieve Stress and Anxiety
In this article, we will explore active and receptive techniques on how to use music in relieving stress and anxiety.
What is anxiety?
Anxiety is a feeling of unease such as worry, fear, stress, restlessness, tension or overthinking. These are all healthy responses to stressful situations where your body releases cortisol (a stress hormone) to respond to them. When we feel threatened, cortisol is valuable in protecting us, creating a fight-flight-freeze reaction. Fight or flight prepare our bodies to fight against the threat or to escape the situation. Your breathing gets quicker; your heartbeat fastens; muscles tense — your body is ready to react quickly. In freeze response, we feel like there is no opportunity for us to escape, which numbs our feelings physically, emotionally and mentally.
Common types of anxiety disorders
People with anxiety disorders experience repeated episodes of these sudden feelings, which may lead to anxiety, disrupting daily tasks. There are many anxiety disorders, the most common ones being generalised anxiety disorder and social anxiety. Let's look at these below.
Generalised anxiety disorder
In generalised anxiety disorder, there is constant worry or fear that the person cannot control. You could have sleep difficulties, the tension in your muscles, restlessness, problems focusing, fatigue, or irritability.
Social anxiety
In social anxiety, you may feel anxious when having to be at the centre of attention, perform or socialise with others. Because of the intense feelings you feel around people, you may start to isolate yourself from these stressful situations to relieve your triggers. However, some performance and social anxiety are standard, which doesn't necessarily mean you have social anxiety.
Common symptoms of anxiety
Anxiety symptoms can range from:
having restless thoughts
difficulties falling asleep
thoughts of worry
overthinking
tension in muscles
shallow breathing
sweating
sense of unease
How can music help to relieve stress and anxiety?
Studies have shown that music can lower our cortisol levels, reducing stress and anxiety. Music connects us to ourselves, being aware of our emotions, and processing our feelings. When we start accepting our anxiety, leaning into it and letting go of control, we may begin to notice how the feeling is something to be curious about. Music addresses our cognitive, emotional and social needs. Below, I have listed some musical techniques to use when feeling overwhelmed and stressed. These can be used in your own time and adjusted to your needs.
Active music-making
In active music-making, we use instruments or our voices to create sounds and music in real-time. This involves active participation from your side and may be more exposing. Below, I have listed three active music-making techniques to relieve stress and anxiety.
Vocal breathing
We breathe at all times, but it is the quality of the breath that counts. Notice your breathing pattern – is it slow or fast? Is it surface level, or do you breathe deeply from your diaphragm? Once you are aware of your breath, begin to take deeper breaths, closing your eyes if this feels comfortable, placing one hand on your belly and one on your heart. Inhale from the nose, exhale through your mouth, relax your shoulders, placing both feet on the ground. As you exhale, let a sound out with your voice. It might feel uncomfortable initially but trust the process and be open to whatever happens. You are safe.
Songwriting
Think about something that you are struggling with at the moment. Is it a question that you are curious about? Are you delaying a task that you'd rather not complete? Maybe you're feeling confused and need some clarity. Write down anything that comes to mind. You then have a topic that you can use for your songwriting. Start picking out some words that capture your attention, creating a map of these and grouping lyrics together. You may add music to these. Writing down words that reflect your current state can help to create awareness of your emotions and process your feelings.
Playing an instrument
If you have an instrument at hand or anything else that makes a sound, you can start experimenting with them. These can be quiet on a guitar, or maybe you want to express your anger on the drums. Get familiar with what comes out. There is no need to think about it, but just leaning into the task and letting go of your thoughts can be a great way to release any stale emotions. Voice can be another one to experiment with and is accessible to most of us.
Music listening
Music listening is a passive form of using music to relieve stress and anxiety. This can be either listening to your favourite song or putting on a relaxing playlist that helps you ground yourself. Let's look at some of these techniques.
Putting on a song that reflects your current mood
How do you feel right now? Is there a song that you associate with your current mood? Does it have any lyrics? If so, what is the message of the song? This may be your favourite song you are listening to on repeat, or you might shuffle your playlist and see what comes up. Whatever it is, trust the process and notice the lyrics or the melody. Do they reflect your current state of mind? Is it the complete opposite? Is there perhaps a feeling that you've been avoiding? Listening to a song that reflects your mood can be a great way to gain awareness of your emotions.
A curated playlist to keep your mind calm and grounded
I have added here a list of songs that I have used in my sessions to help my clients calm their minds and stay grounded in the present moment. You can either sit down on your chair or lie down. Try to find a comfortable position that suits you. Close your eyes and put on the playlist. You can focus on one particular feeling, or let your mind wander. Don’t worry if you get distracted by your thoughts. Just notice it, let go of them and come back to the music, to your breath.
Creating a playlist
You can begin creating your own playlist that resonates with your identity and feelings. You can start by listening to songs that come up and see whether you feel a connection to them. Spotify also suggests songs that sound similar to the songs in your playlist. You may find certain themes coming up. Trust the process and note these songs down. Give them a listen in a comfortable space. Notice if these songs have lyrics or are they instrumental? Are they fast or slow? These playlists are unique to us and can help us find a connection to ourselves.
Do what makes you feel good
Start by picking one technique that feels most comfortable. Perhaps you find that breathing exercises work best for you? Maybe writing is your thing? You can try out some of them and then decide. What is important is that you are curious about your emotions and feelings and what comes up.
I am an English-speaking online counsellor in Berlin. You can contact me here or via email at arulacounselling@proton.me. I look forward to connecting with you.