How to Set Boundaries During the Holidays

December is here and we are getting closer to the holiday period. For some of us, this can cause anxiety when having to spend time with family. It can bring up triggers that we are not used to in our daily lives. How can you start setting boundaries to have healthy relationships and keep yourself safe?

How to start setting boundaries with family?

Holidays can trigger lots of uncomfortable feelings simply because we are surrounded by family members, which can be triggering old wounds that we haven’t processed yet. However, it helps to know that we don’t have to stay stuck in our old ways of being such as when we were children. As adults, we can decide what is best for us and where we want to put our energy on. But where to start? Below, I have mentioned 5 ways you can start setting boundaries with your family.

1. Only say yes to events you actually want to attend

   You don’t need to attend every event you have been invited to. Know what is best for you and honour yourself. If you know that you are going to be surrounded by people that don’t lift you up or the thought of going to these events drains you, then choose to say no, however difficult that might be.

2. Don’t tolerate comments about your body or food

   Please don’t tolerate comments about your eating habits or the way your body looks. You can politely say that you would rather not talk about these topics or that you don’t feel comfortable discussing these. You can even say, ‘Please don’t comment on the way my body looks or comment on what I eat’. This can be uncomfortable to start with but will be worth the effort.

3. You can walk away from stressful situations

   If something is triggering you, notice how you feel. Know that you don’t have to stay in these situations that cause you overwhelm. If the other person keeps breaking your boundaries then you can choose to walk away with grace. It is okay to leave the situation to keep yourself safe without giving explanations. You can decide whether to engage or not. Ask yourself, ‘Is it worth my energy or not?’

4. Take breaks during and between holiday events

   You can take time off by going for a walk or having a couple of deeper breaths to connect with yourself and come back to it. You have options and you can choose what is best for you. Maybe you arrive by car to the event so you can leave when you want to. Perhaps recharging by doing something that feels good to you in between the events rather than draining yourself.

5. Spending limits on presents

   You can set boundaries with your money too, and know what you can or cannot afford, or what you want to spend your money on. You don’t have to spend money on presents that you don’t want to do. Honour that and know what is best for you.

Leaning into discomfort whilst setting boundaries

It is worth noting, that this is not possible in every culture. Please bear this is mind when starting to set boundaries and do what feels right to you. Have self-compassion whilst setting boundaries since it can be uncomfortable at first. People asking personal questions about your life, or questioning the way you are living your life. If you have a safe person in your family, you can share your feelings and thoughts with them and spend time with them if they make you feel good. You don’t have to stay stuck in conversations that you don’t feel comfortable with, be it about body image or politics.

Take-aways

• do what feels right to you

• be kind to yourself whilst setting new boundaries

• if you have a safe person in your family, choose to spend more time with them

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The Artist's Frame: Let’s Talk about Boundaries

Boundaries are important for healthy communication and relationships with yourself and others. It is about not carrying others' emotions for them and getting clear on your needs. We can think about boundaries as an artist's frame where we can control only what's on the inside of the frame and how we communicate that to others. Everything else remains outside of us and our control. Before we get into how to start setting boundaries, let's define the word 'boundaries'. 

What are boundaries?

Boundaries can either be physical or interpersonal. These can look different for everybody, depending on culture, the relationships we are involved in, and social context. What is comfortable and natural in one culture doesn't necessarily translate into another. Equally, some people are naturally more comfortable hugging, whereas others may need more space. It is also necessary to consider the social context. Boundaries in relationships with our partners or families may look different from professional ones. Therefore, boundaries are flexible and fluid and can look different for everyone, depending on culture, personality and social context. 

How to start setting your boundaries?

If you are not used to setting your boundaries and speaking your needs, it can take time to get used to. But like with everything else, the more you practice, the easier it gets. It is important to show compassion to yourself during the process if it doesn't come naturally to you. Consistency is key. Let's dive into some examples of boundary setting:

1. Self-awareness

   Being aware of your needs, what you feel comfortable with, and what not is essential so you can start taking the following steps. Notice how you feel after spending time with people? Do you feel energised or depleted? Is that feeling the same with everyone, or does it differ? Suppose we feel exhausted after spending time with some people. In that case, we may have weak boundaries in certain relationships or with ourselves. These can look different, depending on the relationship we are in. Therefore, be mindful of your thoughts, emotions and feelings since it helps to understand what you might need to feel better.

2. How do you want to feel when setting a boundary?

   Think about how you want to feel when interacting with others. Stay true to yourself and be honest with yourself. Starting to set boundaries can often leave us feeling bad and guilty about ourselves. Know that it won't stay like this forever. It's also worth saying that not everything other people say to us is true. Notice that the next time you are spending time with others. Is this something that resonates with you and you know is true, or does it come from their beliefs? Give this time because this clarity may not come overnight. Keep practising this skill and getting to know yourself throughout the process.

3. Learning to say no

   The ability to say no is easier said than done. It might feel scary to say no to someone at first. It may bring up discomfort since it's not something we are used to. As a child, it wasn't safe for you to express your needs. It might've been seen as a weakness rather than a strength which led you to say yes more times than you would've liked to. As adults, we have control over how we respond to situations we didn't have when we were children. It is about learning to say no with warmth and kindness. If others do not respect these boundaries, it can tell us more about the other person. We can then address this with them.

   Moreover, there is no need to explain to the other person why you set a boundary or apologise for establishing one. For example:

   • 'I'd be willing to help you with this task, but not today.'

   • 'I won't be able to make it today. Can we reschedule it for another day?'

4. Expressing your true feelings 

   Expressing your feelings openly and respectfully can be daunting, but it comes with practice and is hugely valuable. Being open about what you are or are not comfortable with—being aware of your needs and staying grounded rather than being triggered to a particular situation. If you get triggered, notice that and remove yourself from the situation to keep yourself safe. You always have options.

   • It is not bad or selfish to express your feelings openly. Sometimes, we are not used to it due to our childhood, where expressing our feelings may not have been allowed.

   • Being vulnerable can bring discomfort if you are not used to speaking your needs. Don't worry. This is natural and will get easier the more you practice.

   • Talking about your experiences honestly (in safe spaces).

   • Addressing problems and conflicts directly with the person involved rather than indirectly with a third person involved.

   Talk about your expectations and needs rather than letting other people try to figure out what you need. Unfortunately, we don't read each other's minds and often can only make assumptions about the other person's thoughts. It is worth addressing this directly with another person, however difficult that may be.

5. Setting emotional boundaries

   Emotional boundaries help us feel empowered and to know what we can and cannot take. For example, not setting emotional boundaries within family relationships or a partnership can leave us feeling drained, exhausted, guilty, or resentful. However, having clear boundaries is for the benefit of you and the others involved. Starting:

   1. Think about which boundary you would like to set.

   2. Communicate that to the other.

   3. Don't over-explain yourself.

   4. Why is that boundary necessary for you?

   You may feel guilty or selfish when first starting to set boundaries. Notice how you are feeling when you start communicating your needs. Are you saying what you're feeling? Is the other person listening to you? You can bring these feelings into therapy, where we can dive deeper into why you may feel that way.

Final thoughts

Boundaries are like a muscle. They require practice and consistency for us to figure out how to communicate more effectively with those closest to us, as well as in professional relationships. Try not to give up after your first try when it doesn't go as expected. Equally, don't forget to respect other people's boundaries throughout the process when interacting with those close to you, be it in family or professional relationships. 

If you feel like you are ready to start therapy, or want to know more about how I work, schedule a consultation call with me below or contact me at arulacounselling@proton.me. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. 

Please note: This is for educational purposes only, and is not to substitute a therapeutic relationship with a mental health professional. If you are in a mental health crisis, please call 112 or your country’s crisis line, where professional mental health workers can help you.