Practicing Self-Compassion + FREE downloadable meditations
“The simplest way to think about self-compassion is treating yourself as you would treat a good friend,” says Pollak.
During the Mindfulness in Psychotherapy Summit, Dr Susan Pollak held a lecture on mindfulness and self-compassion. It made me go back to basics, thinking about attuning to ourselves and to our needs first before helping others to reduce depression, anxiety, and trauma symptoms and improve our resilience for well-being.
What is self-compassion?
“The simplest way to think about self-compassion is treating yourself as you would treat a good friend,” says Pollak. What kind of language would you use with them? How would you treat them?
Common misconceptions of self-compassion
There are some misconceptions when it comes to self-compassion such as:
Self-compassion will make me lazy. I know I will stay in bed all day, not go to work and binge on Netflix.
Self-compassion will not make me get ahead in life. I want to succeed.
I need to be tough to survive. Self-compassion will make me weak.
Being self-compassionate doesn’t mean that you are lazy or the need to hide from your painful feelings. Self-compassion is about attending to your own suffering and difficulties, motivating you to navigate these hardships, learn from your mistakes, and move forward. It is about wanting health and well-being for yourself because you care.
Benefits of practising self-compassion
Helps us to see the bigger picture.
Can help us to be more caring in relationships and be less selfish.
Self-compassion increases well-being and resilience to stress and trauma.
Helps us to turn to painful feelings without overwhelming ourselves.
Can be a form of emotional regulation as it reduces emotional numbing.
Compassion practices can transform the way we relate to ourselves and others. And by paying attention to our thoughts, feelings and actions, we are open to loving ourselves for who we are, with all our imperfections.
Arula Counselling integrates creative, psychodynamic, mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) approaches with a focus on neurodiversity-affirming and trauma-informed care.
Self-compassion in practice
When experiencing hardships in life, people often feel isolated and disconnected from others. Thinking, that it is somehow unusual or strange to fail, to have weaknesses, or to suffer. This, however, can lead to a question such as “Why me?” causing strong feelings of separation.
And while it might seem obvious that we all go through personal suffering, many of us don’t actually pause to acknowledge our own pain, being too busy judging ourselves or trying to problem-solve. But having compassion for ourselves is about acknowledging the fact that we are all imperfect and going through suffering.
Layers of self-compassion:
self-kindness — being kind and understanding toward ourselves during times of difficulty;
common humanity — seeing our experiences as part of the human condition and not as separate and isolate from those around us;
mindfulness — awareness of the present experience with acceptance.
Self-kindness
Self-kindness refers to the tendency to be caring and understanding with ourselves rather than being strongly critical or judgmental. But that doesn’t mean that we have to accept ourselves straight away. We can move slowly through the practice of self-kindness, in our own pace. Tweaking the practices to our own needs.
Below, we will look at some techniques on where to start. But being kind to ourselves is about accepting that there is no set way of doing things. We are all different. Therefore, forgiving ourselves when things don’t go as we expected can help ease the pressure we put on ourselves at all times.
Common humanity
Self-compassion honours the fact that all human beings have strengths and weaknesses. It acknowledges the reality that we are imperfect human beings who all experience suffering.
Being compassionate is about the difference in relating to yourself when not reaching your goals. Forgiving yourself that you did the best you could at a given moment and not exaggerating our own problems. Acknowledging that other people are facing their own hardships and difficulties. Compassion practices help us to create connection, and challenge our assumptions of separation and aloneness from others.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is an important part of self-compassion. As described above, it is about being in the present moment with all our thoughts and feelings. If we manage to stay in the present, we start creating freedom and openness in ourselves and not get stuck in our past or future worries.
Mindfulness can be adapted to your own needs and what feels comfortable to you. You may feel like standing up or walking feels best for you when learning to attend to your needs. Whatever it is, listen to yourself and your body. Don’t worry about your thoughts stopping, they will be there with you at all times. Learn to notice them, and start to let go.
Give yourself time
Practicing self-compassion requires time and patience but when we start paying attention to the way we speak to ourselves, it can give us a direction in how to move forward. Showing ourselves kindness and accepting our imperfections and flaws can improve our quality of life, and our relationships. Acknowledging that we all have imperfections.
So, take a pause, show yourself some compassion, commit to the practice. In this way you start to create resilience, set a foundation and a toolbox for yourself to begin healing. Because you deserve it.
If you would like to start exploring how you can start practicing self-compassion towards yourself then book a session with me here and we can start getting curious about it together.
Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes only. If you are suffering from severe trauma, live in an abusive household or are in danger then call 112 or your country’s crisis line, where professional mental health workers will be able to offer you appropriate support.
Healing Relationships in Psychodynamic Music Therapy
What is psychodynamic therapy? How is music used in the therapy process? This article will answer these questions and talk more about the therapy process with an illustrative case study.
You may be thinking, what is psychodynamic music therapy and what does it have to do with your relationships?
Perhaps you’re struggling with building meaningful connections with others, and yourself. You may be going through a breakup, have challenging relationships with your loved ones or struggling to make and keep friends. In psychodynamic music therapy, relationships are at the core of the therapeutic work.
When you think about it, music is already an innate part of our development. It is a part of being human from the moment of being in our mother’s womb, the close heartbeat that offers comfort and safety. From these early emotional bonds that are formed in early childhood, the relational patterns will continue to affect your relationships in later life in friendships and intimate connections.
And so in music therapy, these attachment patterns can start to be worked through in verbal and non-verbal expression, modelling early connections through language, body language, and music. It is about being present with another human being from where the therapeutic relationship and trust can start to be formed.
In this article, we’ll explore further how psychodynamic music therapy can support your relationships, diving deeper about the importance of attachment and attunement, the music in the therapy space, and how you can benefit from it. I’ll also illustrate the work with a short case study to give more of an overview of the process of psychodynamic music therapy.
1. What is psychodynamic music therapy?
Psychodynamic music therapy is a form of psychotherapy that relies on psychoanalytic and psychodynamic principles. The focus of the work is on exploring your past experiences to understand your current behaviours and patterns by bringing conscious and unconscious thoughts and feelings to your awareness.
The emphasis then is on supporting your emotions and feelings in a safe space through verbal and non-verbal expression. It is about exploring your inner world where the central part of the work is the relationship between your therapist.
Musical experiences can be used in the process, creating a third element in the space to achieve your goals for therapy such as supporting your relationships, learning self-compassion and emotion regulation. Let’s dive deeper into some of these complex ideas below.
2. How can psychodynamic music therapy music therapy support your relationships?
As with any therapeutic encounter, the core of psychodynamic music therapy is the relationship between you and your therapist. This will take some time to build, and it is important not to rush the process of creating this intimate bond. Be patient with yourself, share your thoughts and feelings with your therapist and the work will unfold from there. This delicate process will gradually deepen the therapeutic relationship. t It is about forming a secure bond between you and your therapist where you feel seen and heard, and where the healing starts to happen. Through this work, you may start to feel safe enough to create more fulfilling relationships outside of the therapy space too, leading to meaningful connections, higher self-confidence and mental well-being. But what exactly happens in a therapeutic relationship?
Transference-countertransference
Transference is a process in psychodynamic music therapy where your unconscious thoughts, feelings and dynamics from your past relationships are projected onto the therapist. In contrast, countertransference is the same process in reverse which helps your therapist to gain a deeper understanding of your experiences.These unconscious feelings can then be worked through with your therapist, giving you a deeper insight into your relational patterns and interpersonal dynamics, fostering greater self-awareness and emotional growth.
Attachment
Attachment theory focuses on the emotional bond between humans, starting from our very earliest connections to our caregivers. The attachment theorist John Bowlby has stated that attachment is pre-verbal, developing during the first 6 months of our lives. In therapy, this can be worked through with your therapist, forming a solid bond to break through unhealthy habits of relating. Because attachment is pre-verbal, this is especially delicate.
Attunement
Attunement is a concept developed by psychoanalyst Daniel Stern in 1985. It is the relational way of recognising and responding to another person’s internal experience which is deeply connected to an emotional attachment, mentioned above. It is a non-verbal process of being with another person by which we learn to form close relationships. Through the vulnerability and delicacy of music, in psychodynamic music therapy, music can be used as a safer way to start noticing how we relate to another human being.
Arula Counselling integrates creative, psychodynamic, mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) approaches with a focus on neurodiversity-affirming and trauma-informed care.
3. Exploring attachment and attunement in music therapy
By using music playing in the session, we can re-create an attachment bond in music by attuning to the sound of the voice, call-and-response, body language, and movement. Attunement is the primary vehicle for parents to communicate love and safety to small children. The supportive caregiver, be it in childhood or in later relationships is the basis of being seen in the world, taking up space, engaging in relationships, to feel safe. However, in one way or the other, there will be disruptions of attunement in our lives which can be supported and/or repaired to close relationships with loved ones, strong support networks, mentors or therapists. Either way, healing needs people.
Case study
I was working with Marie (name changed) in psychodynamic music therapy, a 28 year-old woman working in the music industry. She sought out psychodynamic music therapy sessions due to her relational difficulties despite having found success in her professional life. She tended to keep people at a safe enough distance from her, avoiding emotional intimacy.
In our initial sessions, the focus was on creating a safe space and a trusting relationship where Marie could start to explore the patterns of relating. Through the shared music playing, music listening and open ended conversations, it became clear that the difficulties came from the lack of early attachment needs which left her feeling disconnected from her peers, afraid of commitment and forming secure bonds. Marie had learned to rely solely on herself due to lack of emotional expression in the family and a subsequent divorce.
As the therapy progressed, Marie was able to open up about her intense need for longing connection but not being able to ask for her needs to be met as this wasn’t modelled to her in her childhood. The music served as a medium to process these early attachment wounds in a non-verbal way. Gradually, her self-expression grew louder and more confident in the music as well as in our conversations.
Through guided use of music and open conversations, I was able to create a safe enough space for Marie to start opening up about her emotional guardedness. She was able to start bringing more of the songs that she adored to the therapy space, experimenting with new ways of relating, self-expression and vulnerability. Over time, Marie started to share her courageousness of vulnerability outside of the therapy sessions, the growing ability to trust others and opening herself up to the possibility of fulfilling relationships.
By the end of our work together, Marie shared a renewed sense of hope and deeper understanding of her attachment patterns. The psychodynamic music therapy process had given her a space to create trust in herself and others, developing more adaptive ways of relating to herself and others outside of the therapy space too. It allowed her to reconnect with her passion for music, using it as a powerful tool for self-expression and personal growth.
4. The music in psychodynamic therapy
Music creates connection where words fail. Through music and reflection, we can start to explore your inner processes, thereby increasing self-awareness and awareness of others. In psychodynamic music therapy, no previous musical skill or knowledge is required to participate in sessions. Creating music is therefore based on self-expression where the therapist supports the process with you. This creates vulnerability and connection, allowing us to communicate without words. This has unique therapeutic potential for working through dysfunctional relationship difficulties originating from early childhood where the focus is on non-verbal communication.
What does your favourite piece of music say about your attachment style?
Research shows that the types of music we listen to can give us an insight about our attachment styles. This applies to songs that speak about relationships. Think about your favourite song, or a song that you’ve been currently listening to:
What is the meaning of the song?
What do the lyrics say?
Does the message relate to your current inner experiences?
What is the subjective experience of the song?
What could this say about your attachment style?
5. Who can benefit from psychodynamic music therapy?
Psychodynamic music therapy can support people with a range of mental health difficulties such as:
Relationships
Depression
Stress
Self-esteem
Anxiety
Trauma
LGBTQ+
ADHD and autism
Some of the goals for psychodynamic music therapy may be:
Raise your self-confidence;
Support self-expression;
Support developing meaningful relationships.
Your therapist is there with you to offer you a safe space from where you can start to explore your emotions and feelings together. Additionally, music acts as a bridge between the conscious and unconscious self, giving meaning and expression to your experiences, thoughts and feelings. Since, not everything needs to be or can be expressed in words.
6. Conclusion
Psychodynamic music therapy is a powerful therapeutic modality that focuses on your internal experiences to gain deeper understanding of your experiences and relationships.
This process can be challenging and uncomfortable at times as it encourages you to dive deeper into your emotions, thoughts and patterns. At one point, you may even feel like quitting, but something in you is not willing to give up just yet. By committing to the process, showing up for yourself session after session and allowing you to engage with it, you may find that it becomes easier to navigate the uncomfortable moments. The outcome can be so rewarding, witnessing your own healing, strength and growth throughout the process. Let yourself experience that pain that leads you towards a more integrated self, improved self-confidence and more meaningful interpersonal connections.
It is important to note that psychodynamic music therapy sessions are conducted by a trained music therapist who has a deep understanding of both music and psychological principles. Therefore, please consider this when looking for a therapist. Read more about how to start therapy and what to talk about therapy.
I am an English-speaking counsellor and a qualified music therapist in Berlin. I am available for in-person sessions in Mitte, Berlin. I also offer online sessions on request.
For any questions or enquiries contact me on the link below, or email me at arulacounselling@proton.me. I look forward to connecting with you.
Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and does not substitute a therapeutic relationship with a mental health professional. If you are in a mental health crisis, please call 112 or your country's crisis line, where professional mental health workers can help you. Here are some additional resources.
References
Alaei, R., Rule, N. O., & MacDonald, G. (2021). Individuals' favorite songs' lyrics reflect their attachment style. Journal of Research in Personality, 93, 104110. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2021.104110
Kim, J. (2016). Psychodynamic music therapy. Voices: A World Forum for Music Therapy, 16(2). https://doi.org/10.15845/voices.v16i2.2312
McCarthy, G., & Maughan, B. (2010). Negative childhood experiences and adult love relationships: The role of internal working models of attachment. Attachment & Human Development, 12(5), 445–461. https://doi-1org-14cssccv7011b.erf.sbb.spk-berlin.de/10.1080/14616734.2010.501968
Petrowski, K., Berth, H., Beiling, P., Renner, V., & Probst, T. (2021). Patient's and the Therapist's Attachment Representations, Attachment to Therapists, and Self-Esteem-Change Through Psychotherapy. Frontiers in Psychology, 12. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.711296