Practicing Self-Compassion + FREE downloadable meditations
“The simplest way to think about self-compassion is treating yourself as you would treat a good friend,” says Pollak.
During the Mindfulness in Psychotherapy Summit, Dr Susan Pollak held a lecture on mindfulness and self-compassion. It made me go back to basics, thinking about attuning to ourselves and to our needs first before helping others to reduce depression, anxiety, and trauma symptoms and improve our resilience for well-being.
What is self-compassion?
“The simplest way to think about self-compassion is treating yourself as you would treat a good friend,” says Pollak. What kind of language would you use with them? How would you treat them?
Common misconceptions of self-compassion
There are some misconceptions when it comes to self-compassion such as:
Self-compassion will make me lazy. I know I will stay in bed all day, not go to work and binge on Netflix.
Self-compassion will not make me get ahead in life. I want to succeed.
I need to be tough to survive. Self-compassion will make me weak.
Being self-compassionate doesn’t mean that you are lazy or the need to hide from your painful feelings. Self-compassion is about attending to your own suffering and difficulties, motivating you to navigate these hardships, learn from your mistakes, and move forward. It is about wanting health and well-being for yourself because you care.
Benefits of practising self-compassion
Helps us to see the bigger picture.
Can help us to be more caring in relationships and be less selfish.
Self-compassion increases well-being and resilience to stress and trauma.
Helps us to turn to painful feelings without overwhelming ourselves.
Can be a form of emotional regulation as it reduces emotional numbing.
Compassion practices can transform the way we relate to ourselves and others. And by paying attention to our thoughts, feelings and actions, we are open to loving ourselves for who we are, with all our imperfections.
Arula Counselling integrates creative, psychodynamic, mindfulness and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) approaches with a focus on neurodiversity-affirming and trauma-informed care.
Self-compassion in practice
When experiencing hardships in life, people often feel isolated and disconnected from others. Thinking, that it is somehow unusual or strange to fail, to have weaknesses, or to suffer. This, however, can lead to a question such as “Why me?” causing strong feelings of separation.
And while it might seem obvious that we all go through personal suffering, many of us don’t actually pause to acknowledge our own pain, being too busy judging ourselves or trying to problem-solve. But having compassion for ourselves is about acknowledging the fact that we are all imperfect and going through suffering.
Layers of self-compassion:
self-kindness — being kind and understanding toward ourselves during times of difficulty;
common humanity — seeing our experiences as part of the human condition and not as separate and isolate from those around us;
mindfulness — awareness of the present experience with acceptance.
Self-kindness
Self-kindness refers to the tendency to be caring and understanding with ourselves rather than being strongly critical or judgmental. But that doesn’t mean that we have to accept ourselves straight away. We can move slowly through the practice of self-kindness, in our own pace. Tweaking the practices to our own needs.
Below, we will look at some techniques on where to start. But being kind to ourselves is about accepting that there is no set way of doing things. We are all different. Therefore, forgiving ourselves when things don’t go as we expected can help ease the pressure we put on ourselves at all times.
Common humanity
Self-compassion honours the fact that all human beings have strengths and weaknesses. It acknowledges the reality that we are imperfect human beings who all experience suffering.
Being compassionate is about the difference in relating to yourself when not reaching your goals. Forgiving yourself that you did the best you could at a given moment and not exaggerating our own problems. Acknowledging that other people are facing their own hardships and difficulties. Compassion practices help us to create connection, and challenge our assumptions of separation and aloneness from others.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is an important part of self-compassion. As described above, it is about being in the present moment with all our thoughts and feelings. If we manage to stay in the present, we start creating freedom and openness in ourselves and not get stuck in our past or future worries.
Mindfulness can be adapted to your own needs and what feels comfortable to you. You may feel like standing up or walking feels best for you when learning to attend to your needs. Whatever it is, listen to yourself and your body. Don’t worry about your thoughts stopping, they will be there with you at all times. Learn to notice them, and start to let go.
Give yourself time
Practicing self-compassion requires time and patience but when we start paying attention to the way we speak to ourselves, it can give us a direction in how to move forward. Showing ourselves kindness and accepting our imperfections and flaws can improve our quality of life, and our relationships. Acknowledging that we all have imperfections.
So, take a pause, show yourself some compassion, commit to the practice. In this way you start to create resilience, set a foundation and a toolbox for yourself to begin healing. Because you deserve it.
If you would like to start exploring how you can start practicing self-compassion towards yourself then book a session with me here and we can start getting curious about it together.
Disclaimer: This content is for educational purposes only. If you are suffering from severe trauma, live in an abusive household or are in danger then call 112 or your country’s crisis line, where professional mental health workers will be able to offer you appropriate support.
How Trauma Affects Our Bodies
How does trauma show up in our bodies and how can we start to heal ourselves, create change and get better?
How does trauma show up in our bodies and how can we start to heal ourselves, create change and get better? Can our bodies really tell what is going on? How can we start paying attention to it?
What is trauma?
Trauma is not something that happened to us, it is what happened in us after we experienced it. A complex childhood environment, neglect, moving countries frequently as a child, abuse, broken relationships, and bullying can all leave us with long-lasting effects. Trauma can show up through physical pain, feeling disconnected, not finding joy in what used to lift you up or having intrusive memories that disrupt your daily life.
Understanding the impact of trauma
Traumatic experiences can leave us feeling overwhelmed, dissociated from ourselves and others, feeling sad, anxious, numb, agitated, or confused. Trauma shows up different in all of us, depending on our environment and circumstances, depending on social structures, race, gender and sexuality. Hence, there is no straight-cut answer to who gets traumatised and who does not and wounds can run deeper than we think.
Can trauma be stored in our bodies?
Trauma can show up as an intolerable felt sense such as psychosomatic pain from emotional and mental stress. It may be a tightness in your chest, neck, or back without any seaming reason. In therapy, we can start to work with these sensations and get curious about why that may be. What are our bodies trying to communicate to us? Hence, relieving the nervous system from hyper-arousal such as feeling anxious or overwhelmed or hypo-arousal, like dissociation, numbness, feeling unmotivated or stuck is vital for our emotional regulation and well-being.
Working with trauma
When we work with trauma on a pre-verbal level, we can start to unlock our painful experiences. Getting curious about our felt senses through breathing, movement and non-verbal expression. Gabor Maté has said that artistic expression itself is not a form of working through trauma. However, working through trauma in a relationship with the other such as in a therapeutic relationship is invaluable in creating change. Someone who can hold space for your thoughts and emotions, be it artistic expression or through words, has a different kind of value. Someone who is there to receive and reflect back on what might be going on for you. For people who have grown up in stressful households since early childhood, the absence of stress can create a sense of unease, boredom and meaninglessness. People may become addicted to their stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol (Maté, 2003). Therefore, creating new neural pathways and ways of thinking, re-directing you from your old beliefs has immense value. How can we start to create awareness of our bodies and create change?
1. Checking in with yourself:
Use this five-point check-in when you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or disconnected:
Mind - notice your thoughts and mental focus
Breath - are you restricting or holding your breath?
Body - notice your body's sensations
Emotions - what about feelings and associations?
Energy - do you feel fatigued or energised?
Emotional regulation plays a big part in how we connect to ourselves. For some clients, breathing can be a great anchor. For some, singing or vocal sounds are the most comfortable in grounding themselves. You can use this check-in throughout the day to notice where your mind and body are—checking in with yourself and your feelings.
2. Finding your community
Having a support network around you who can support you and understand your experiences is good for our well-being and a part of taking the step towards healing. Winnicott has said that there is no such things as a baby, but that we are all related to one another, dependant on one another and we all deserve to have that care and supporting environment.
When living in a city different from where you grew up, the language may be different, the culture may be unfamiliar and you are in an unfamiliar environment. In this case, having a solid support network around you is important. Finding community and the people that support you through your difficult experiences, who can be there for you and understand your experiences.
3. Noticing your environment:
Do you feel safe in your surroundings?
Do you feel supported by others?
Do you have people around you who you can turn to in times of difficulty?
How do you feel when you're around them?
Do they lift you up?
It's okay if you answered 'no' to these questions. The purpose is to just notice where you are and how you feel in your environment. There is no judgment. From this place, we can start to make slow changes. Maybe it is about coming to therapy and finding a safe place there. Perhaps it is about going to nature and finding your safe place there for a start or deciding to make changes about the relationships with people who make you feel good. Meditation and visualisation exercises can also create these places in our minds.
4. Working with the body
Working with the body grounds from our thoughts that may be overwhelming and triggering. Observing your breath and how the body moves and feels through movement, art-making, or music creates awareness. Through these mediums, we can slowly return to our bodies, building connections and starting to feel and see ourselves as a whole. Being more present, mindful, grounded in making decisions, and connecting with others. We don't always have to know what happened to us, but our bodies know. It stays with us. This means that we can change its course. We can take action and responsibility towards healing. We can start to learn about ourselves and show compassion towards ourselves.
Trauma is complex, challenging and a long-term process. And it is even more difficult to be alone in it. But working together with a therapist treating trauma can support healing and understanding yourself. You shouldn’t have to go through it alone. I look forward to connecting with you to discuss your needs and whether I could be of support to you. I am an English-speaking therapist in Berlin, offering online and in-person counselling for adults. You can contact me here or email me at arulacounselling@proton.me.
Disclaimer: If you live in an abusive household, you can find your closest counselling centre in Berlin here. If you are thinking of hurting yourself or others, please call 112, where professional mental health workers can help you.
References
Maté, G. (2003) When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress. Penguin Random House.
Siegel, D. (1999) The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Publications.
Winnicott, D. W. (1960) The theory of the parent-infant relationship. The International journal of psycho-analysis, 41, 585–595.
Building Resilience
How can you build resilience to cope with the difficulties that life throws at you?
How can you build resilience in your life to cope with the difficulties that life throws at you? You may want to run away in these moments to hide from conflict or anything else that requires your attention. During the current climate crisis, the war and rising cost of living make finding peace in and around all of us even more complex. How do you stay grounded during these times to protect yourself from hardships and move through life?
What is resilience?
Resilience is surviving and thriving from stressful experiences while building defensive skills to manage future difficulties. It is about successfully adapting to complex or challenging life experiences and finding ways to rely on your resources. However, building resilience requires a skill set you can work on and grow over time. Let's look at what these might look like.
Dissociation from difficult feelings
When you confidently face difficult emotions instead of shutting them down, you can integrate your thoughts and feelings and make sense of them. Nonetheless, because it is difficult and uncomfortable to sit with painful feelings, you may try to get further away from them. This leads to dissociation from your emotions. You may start to numb yourself with alcohol, food, other substances, or social media, creating a distance between your mind and body. Additionally, this builds a loop of endless distractions rather than having to focus on your inner feelings. It may also be by avoiding conflict and expressing how you really feel. This can be extremely difficult, but when getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, that's where growth lies.
How to build resilience?
When leaning into the feeling of discomfort, you may notice that there is emotional and intellectual movement. Slowing down, focusing on your breath, seeing what comes up and being curious. Below are some of the ways you can start to build resilience during difficult times.
1. Self-awareness
Self-awareness is about being aware of your thoughts, emotions and feelings. It is about noticing the way you behave or react to something. To begin seeing your reactions, think about why you might've reacted the way you did? Were you actually feeling hurt, rejected or abandoned? You can then think about what you really need. It may be that something needs to change in your life that is not making you feel fulfilled. Maybe you need some more time to focus on yourself and your needs. We all need to look after ourselves first before helping others. You may turn to your community and be open and vulnerable about your needs, even though this may be the hardest thing to do.
Ask yourself:
How is my relationship with myself?
Do I show kindness and respect towards myself?
Am I able to regulate my emotions?
Am I able to speak about my needs?
When you open yourself up to the possibility of showing your deeper feelings, people can start to understand you better and offer help and guidance where needed.
2. Nurturing relationships
How are your current relationships with others? Do you feel supported and connected to them? In relationships, we feel more empowered and worthy when developing more prosperous and meaningful relationships. To care for others and be cared for. Nurturing relationships takes time and commitment. When you engage in secure relationships, it enhances your intellectual development, sense of worth, sense of competence, empowerment, and sense of connection. However, sometimes making and keeping relationships is complex, and you may not know why that is. Together with me, we can start to unpack your relationship patterns by creating a trusting and safe therapeutic relationship. These learnings can then be transferred from sessions to your relationships outside therapy. A sense of trust will always be at the centre of relationships.
3. Relationship with your external environment
Do you feel comfortable, safe and at ease in your surroundings? If not, what makes you feel uncomfortable? How do you express yourself if you live in a city different from where you grew up? What led you to live in another town? Having a solid support network with people who value you for who you are can significantly impact how you see yourself and move through life. Living in a city with lots of noise and busyness, we may start to feel disconnected, burnt out and drained. Notice your environment. If it doesn't make you feel good, what can you do to make yourself more at ease? Going to nature and taking long walks? Perhaps you need to change your living situation to make you feel better? Take it one step at a time, and don't rush the process.
4. Trust
Sometimes, it is frustrating to sit with our feelings and emotions. Trusting that this will create the change or transformation you are trying hard to see or reach. A movement starts happening when leaning into it, allowing yourself to feel your feelings and sit with the discomfort without thinking of the outcome. Letting go of control, change begins to occur in your body and mind.
Questions to ask yourself:
Am I getting enough sleep?
Am I going outside?
Do I eat healthy meals?
Do I numb myself with food or alcohol?
How much time do I spend on social media?
Am I kind to myself?
If I have people close to me, do I try to connect with them?
Do I ask for what I need?
Resilience in therapy
In therapy, growing resilience might mean coming to the sessions when you feel your lowest. Still showing up when you don't want to and feel like there is no point in coming to therapy. You take accountability for yourself when you show up weekly, creating strength. Learning from your patterns and behaviours and creating awareness. This allows you to make changes, be aware of your thoughts and emotions and not fall into the same ways that might feel familiar.
Therapy facilitates emotional catharsis and empowerment. It connects to others and strengthens concepts of the inner self, addressing trauma and creating hope for the future. Bringing these complicated feelings to the space allows us to work through them, developing resilience. It will enable us to manage these emotions in the longer run, where we adapt more quickly. It gives us trust that these feelings will pass and that we can move forward in life. However, resilience requires work and commitment and doesn't happen overnight.
Building resilience together
Having mental health strength doesn't mean that you have to be alone in it. It is okay to ask for help and to talk to someone you trust. Everyone is different and requires different care, and reconnection with yourself takes time. Allow yourself to heal and give it time. This can be through noticing our feelings and physical symptoms in our bodies. Leaning into these feelings through play, awareness, connection and taking care of yourself first. There is always a way out, even if you don't feel it right now.
I am an English-speaking therapist in Berlin, offering online and in-person counselling. You can reach me here or email me at arulacounselling@proton.me. I look forward to connecting with you.
References
Fava, G. A., and Tomba, E. (2009). Increasing psychological well-being and resilience by psychotherapeutic methods. Journal of Personality, 77(6), 1903-1934.
Fonagy, P. and Campbell, C. (2017) Mentalising, attachment and epistemic trust: how psychotherapy can promote resilience. Research Department of Clinical, Educational and Health Psychology, University College London, London.
Scrine, E. (2021) The Limits of Resilience and the Need for Resistance: Articulating the Role of Music Therapy With Young People Within a Shifting Trauma Paradigm. Frontiers in Psychology, 12.